Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #2

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Ghosts and spirits and the like?

AUDIENCE Yes!

Quite a lot of you. It's actually easy

to tell if your house is haunted.

It isn't.

(LAUGHTER)

Grow up.

(LAUGHTER)

That's me being cynical,

but that's this job.

Being a stand-up comedian, I think,

makes you a bit of a cynic.

Has anyone in here actually seen a ghost?

- (WOMAN WHOOPS)

- Well, go on, what did you see, Madam?

Tell us the story.

(LAUGHTER)

And there was no-one there!

(LAUGHTER)

Go on, what did you see?

WOMAN:
I'm not telling you now,

you've made me nervous.

"I'm... I'm not..."

I make you nervous?

You've seen the undead...

(LAUGHTER)

...and I make you nervous?

(APPLAUSE)

Doesn't really show me in a good light,

does it?

Go on, where were you

when you saw the apparition?

I was in, um, a friend's house.

You were in a friend's house?

- Yeah.

- Right.

And her stepfather was...

Her stepfather was what, sorry?

(LAUGHTER)

I think I may have

cracked this case already.

(LAUGHTER)

There's a stepfather involved.

(LAUGHTER)

Was there "ectoplasm"?

(LAUGHTER)

Go on, what happened? Were you

upstairs?

- Were you...?

- I was in his son's bedroom.

You were in his son's bedroom.

(LAUGHTER)

Course you were, love.

Go on.

He Wasn't there but, um,

he died at the same time

as I started seeing this weird sh*t

and I woke her up, basically.

He had died?

You should have mentioned that sooner.

(LAUGHTER)

And then you started seeing weird sh*t?

- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm loving this.

There's a special name for people

that have seen ghosts.

- Schizophrenic.

- (LAUGHTER)

All the best with your future.

(LAUGHS)

Quite an in-depth story.

I'll leave it at that -

stepfather did something terrible...

and you've recoded that memory.

Of course, not all fat people are jolly.

Some of them are women.

(LAUGHTER)

You shouldn't be mean.

Fat girls have got feelings.

Mainly, they're hungry!

(LAUGHTER)

It's only a joke, isn't it?

It's only a bit of fun!

I told it the other night

and a girl got up and walked out.

Well, waddled out.

(LAUGHTER)

I presume offended,

possibly just peckish.

(LAUGHTER)

Whenever I'm in the changing rooms

at the gym,

I'm always embarrassed by the fact

my penis is so much bigger

than everyone else's.

But then, in fairness, it is erect.

(LAUGHTER)

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls -

do they blow themselves up?

(LAUGHTER)

In Palestinian passports,

under "Occupation,"

do they just put, "Israel"?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

That joke is only there to test

where the Guardian readers are sitting.

(LAUGHTER)

No further questions,

back to the knob gags.

I do talk about sex a lot in my show.

I talk about sex all the time on stage

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