Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #2

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at the end of the show.

So right at the end of the show I went,

"Dublin, I don't know much

about Irish politics."

That was pretty much their reaction.

A couple of thousand people going,

"I bet you f***ing don't, no."

I said, "I don't know much about..."

But he dared me to do it so I had to say it.

I said, "I don't know much

about Irish politics,

"I just think we should have

one Ireland united."

They were on their feet in Dublin,

"This guy is all right."

And then I added, "One Ireland united

"under British rule."

They went f***ing spastic.

Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?

(Woman cheers)

Just one. We seem to have

contained the problem. Good.

I'm loving the Welsh. Every time

I go to Wales I have a lovely time.

The people are very friendly, but I get

annoyed every time I go to Wales.

Not by the people, but by the signs.

All the signs in Wales. Road signs,

tourist information, shop signs.

Every f***ing sign

has to be in English and Welsh.

Everything, English and Welsh.

It's ridiculous

cos it costs a fortune to do

and only five per cent of

the population of Wales can read.

Well, I like to think of myself

as an equal opportunities offender.

We've done the Irish, we've done

the Welsh. Any Scottish people in?

(Audience cheers)

Imagine my surprise.

Here's a question for you,

my Scottish friends.

If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot

and you had Tourette's,

how would they ever know?

I'll tell you where's rough in England.

I was there recently and I didn't realise

it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham...

I didn't realise this, Nottingham

is the gun capital of Great Britain.

Tell you what Nottingham needs -

a sheriff.

It's quite a silly joke.

Are there any Scousers in?

(Woman cheers)

Well, there's a few there, all right.

Hi, the Scousers. You well?

No.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser

there for a second, I apologise.

That's awkward.

I'm not having a go at Liverpool,

I'm loving the Scousers.

It's a great place to do a gig.

It's got a similar feel to Glasgow.

People heckle quite a lot,

they join in,

they're quite up for it

and nice sense of humour.

Loving the Scouse crowd,

although I will say this about Liverpool -

Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain

where JD Sports

has an evening-wear department.

They've got a f***ing bridal shop.

Can I interest madam

in an off-white tracksuit?

I always make a bit of an effort

when I'm travelling, doing this job,

I always make a bit of an effort

to do the accent of wherever I am,

and generally people take that well,

they like the fact that you've made an effort.

But sometimes people get chippy

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