Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #2

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to the memory of my wife.

I just need to be held.

Have we got any Christians in?

Is anyone here a Christian?

Whoo!

Christian there?

What's your name, sir?

Andreas.

Andreas?

Well, very nice to have you in.

An offer just for you, Andreas.

Would you be interested, Andreas,

in buying some magic beans?

I'm only asking you, Andreas,

'cause you are f***ing gullible.

I'm sure Andreas won't mind me

sharing that with the group.

You know you are.

You believe the story

of a 14-year-old girl

who finds herself pregnant.

And when asked about the pregnancy,

as well she might be,

she goes,

"This? Not what you think.

I was raped by a ghost."

Really, Andreas?

Fast-forward 2,000 years.

Jeremy Kyle,

would you believe her then?

Would you?

F***!

I mean, you'd watch it,

but you'd watch it thinking,

"Joseph, mug. Mary, slag."

Daily Mail

"Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat

Living in Luxury Shed."

"Have you declared that gold,

frankincense and myrrh?"

Andreas, you don't look annoyed.

You all right?

-Yeah.

-You're fine. Of course you are.

I got a guy annoyed

with that the other week.

I did that bit of material,

and there was a guy down the front,

a middle-class guy,

I got him really annoyed.

You can tell when you've

annoyed someone middle class

'cause they get a bit bobbly-headed.

He had a point to make,

and it was rattling around in his head.

I said, "What's your point?"

He said, "I notice you make those jokes

about Jesus and the Christians,

but would you say that about Muhammad

or the Islamic faith, I wonder?"

I said, "It's a very good point.

Well made.

Have you thought about

blowing something up?

No one's scared of you."

Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas?

Forgive me?

I try not to censor myself on stage.

I should say that early on.

You know,

if I think something's funny,

I think you might think

it was funny as well,

and then we'd all have a laugh,

release some endorphins,

and the world would be

a very slightly better place, yeah?

And if anyone's offended,

eh, f*** 'em!

But I wrote a joke recently

that I worry about telling.

I wrote a joke about

the negative stereotypes

that still prevail in our society

concerning women.

And I worry about telling that joke,

because I worry,

"Well, if I were to tell that joke

and it were to be misconstrued

as genuine misogyny,

it could really light the fuse

on some b*tch's tampon.

I would feel awful.

I'm not sexist.

I've got nothing but respect

for every woman I've ever slung one up.

Pride and Prejudice.

Spoiler alert, in the end,

Mr Darcy slings one up her.

It's very good.

Oh, here's an interesting fact.

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