Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #2

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I actually won the fight that I got into.

It was a guy.

He was a little drunk, I think.

He was in a store,

and I just overheard him,

and I couldn't help myself.

He had a fedora on.

And he's talking to the salesgirl,

and he's like, "What do you think

I should wear with this?"

And I said, "A rope."

Which is actually

very sound fashion advice.

But he grabbed my shirt.

That's why I think he was drunk.

He grabbed my shirt, and he's like,

"What did you say?"

And I was like, "I'm gonna cum."

Then he gave up immediately.

Too late, unfortunately.

Guys are so homophobic.

It's really funny to me.

We use a homophobic thing

to make each other uncomfortable,

to dominate each other

when we're growing up.

You remember ten or 11 years old,

you'd be sitting at your friend's house,

watching TV in the living room,

and then he'd just walk in out of nowhere

and start humping the side of your face?

Remember?

I still do sh*t like that.

It's still fun to f*** with your friends.

I walked into a public restroom,

and a buddy of mine was at the urinal,

and you gotta do something

when your friend's at the urinal.

You just gotta f*** with him a little bit.

He didn't hear me walk in,

so I snuck up behind him very quietly

and I stood about an inch behind him,

and then I put my mouth right behind

his neck hair, and I just went...

[deep voice]

"Hey!"

And he freaked out,

and it wasn't my friend.

Yet.

Do you know how hard that is

to explain to a stranger,

why you just spoke onto his neck?

Oh, man. I feel great.

I feel really, really good.

Life has just been good lately.

And it's so funny,

'cause you find things you like

as you get older.

I'm in my 40's now, so you find sh*t

that makes you feel good.

Like, I have a hatred

of somebody telling me a story,

and at one point in the story, you know

how they ask you to guess at part of--

It's usually because the story is sh*t,

and they think that your guess

will propel their story into interesting.

They'll say, "Guess how many?"

Then you guess the number,

and then they tell you the real number,

and you're like, "Holy sh*t!

I should've guessed--"

I've begun over-guessing on purpose

just to totally destroy the momentum

of the story.

Once you do it, you'll never not do it.

And I know I'm a piece of sh*t

for robbing little victories

from all my friends.

F*** them. Their stories are terrible.

My manager Jonathan-- I love him,

but he does this to me all the time.

He bought a watch,

and he paid 1,500 bucks for the watch.

And if he had just said, "I paid 1,500

for this watch, but it's worth 2,000,"

I would've been impressed.

I would've been like,

"Oh, cool, you saved 500 bucks."

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