Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #2

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If he said, "I grab 'em by the tit,"

I know what a tit-grab entails.

I can picture a tit-grab.

I'm fully aware of what's going on there.

"I grab their ass," I know that.

Even if it was weird,

like "I grab 'em by the head,"

I can picture a head-grab.

"Grab 'em by the p*ssy," you see...

the p*ssy is an inward thing.

If I said to you right now, "I met a girl,

I grabbed her by the belly button."

How f***ing confused are you?

You'd be like, "Did you poke it?"

I'd be like, "Nah...

I didn't poke it.

I grabbed the whole thing.

Keep up!"

Like, if he said, "I palm their p*ssy,"

I can picture a p*ssy-palming.

Like if he just scooped his hand over.

Or if he fingered a p*ssy.

We've all fingered a p*ssy,

whether it be our own or someone else's.

But to grab a p*ssy...

that's gotta be one f***ing meaty,

low-hanging fruit f***ing p*ssy.

That's gotta be a p*ssy

that's just given birth,

is prolapsed.

They haven't put the stitches in yet.

Maybe that's what he does.

Maybe he goes around to maternity wards

and goes, "Congratulations!

It's a beautiful child.

Don't worry about it. I'm famous."

This has taken up far too much space

in my brain.

I've been thinking about p*ssy grabbing

for over a year now.

Like, he says they don't mind.

What is the scenario...

where you can grab a p*ssy...

and no one minds?

I guess it has to be in a private area,

'cause you can't do it

in the general public,

because for the most part

p*ssy grabbing is "frowned upon."

If I jumped into the crowd right now

and grabbed a p*ssy...

you'd all be like, "Stop that, Jim."

"Get back on stage. Finish the show."

So I've thought of every scenario,

I've thought of every available option

on how to grab a p*ssy

where everything's fine.

This is the only one

I can think of, right?

Okay, the woman has to feel

comfortable and safe.

So I picture a woman who's like,

she's in her own garden.

She's feeling good. It's her garden.

She feels safe, it's a secluded garden.

There's f***ing hedges and sh*t.

She's wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear.

She doesn't give a f***. It's her garden.

And she's gardening.

She's tending to soil.

She's potting a plant.

And then you, the celebrity...

You have to creep into the garden,

almost cartoonishly, just...

Then you get your hand like that,

so devil horns open up, flip around.

Now you want to be

a real good p*ssy grabber,

'cause you're only going to get

one shot at this.

and that thumb's going

straight into the a**hole.

So you're like, "Bang!"

Right, to begin with, she's shocked.

"What the f***'s going on?"

While she's in that state of shock,

lift her up, she's on her toes.

She's not going anywhere.

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