Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #2
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2009
- 58 min
- 387 Views
work for the Church. "
You hear that little groan
when I said that,
"You work for the Church"?
are in the crowd,
and they don't like
hearing facts.
That's a fact,
there's been pedophiles
f***ing fact.
But all they're saying is like,
Because religious people
will forgive God
In their mind
he does good things,
rainbows, children's laughter,
sh*t like that, right?
When he does bad things
like hurricanes, AIDS,
cancer, child molestation,
then they just go,
"Oh, well. God works
in mysterious ways. "
What sort of an excuse is that?
What- What is-
What is mysterious
That is like,
the least mysterious activity
since the dawn of time.
If- If I ever date
a religious girl
she's gonna come home and
Right?
And she's gonna look at me
and go, "What are you doing?"
And I'm gonna go,
"I'm mysterious. "
"I've always been mysterious. "
See, religious people
are just f***ing stupid.
There's how the world was
created which everyone,
and that's the big bang theory,
and there's little
microorganisms, then a tadpole,
that tadpole learned how to walk
or something,
and then there were
some animals in between,
and then f***ing monkeys,
and then us.
And that's science.
Then there's how religious
people believe we was created
They believe that God put
two white people in the jungle
without sunscreen,
and they f***ed,
and there we go, people.
There we go, black people,
Arab people, oriental people,
and for the amount of inbreeding
very few retards.
It seems so plausible!
See, the fact is that
there's evolution in the Bible.
Right? Jesus was 4'7".
Four foot seven.
He was a normal-sized guy,
everyone was short back then.
We're all taller now
because of evolution.
That's how Jesus could
feed the people with two fish,
little f***ing people,
big f***ing fish.
So this is Jesus here, right?
He's a little tiny Arab Jew.
Now,
if Jesus is this big,
that means his cross was maybe,
maybe that big.
Now, I'm not saying
I'm better than Jesus.
But if I was
on that little cross
my feet would be on the ground
and I'd f***ing live.
So what killed Jesus could not
kill me, I'm way more powerful.
Not only would I leave,
but I would lift the cross
out of the ground
and beat up all the little
Roman bastards.
very different.
Thousands of years before Jesus
there was a guy called Noah.
And Noah built a boat
and Noah lived to be
950 years old.
in sermons,
'cause we might think
its bullshit.
And Noah was thousands of years
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"Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jim_jefferies:_i_swear_to_god_11293>.
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