Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #2

Synopsis: Politically incorrect Australian comedian Jim Jefferies performs.
Director(s): John Moffitt
Production: Moffitt-Lee Productions
 
IMDB:
8.3
TV-MA
Year:
2009
58 min
387 Views


work for the Church. "

You hear that little groan

when I said that,

"You work for the Church"?

It's because religious people

are in the crowd,

and they don't like

hearing facts.

That's a fact,

there's been pedophiles

f***ing fact.

But all they're saying is like,

Because religious people

will forgive God

In their mind

he does good things,

rainbows, children's laughter,

sh*t like that, right?

When he does bad things

like hurricanes, AIDS,

cancer, child molestation,

then they just go,

"Oh, well. God works

in mysterious ways. "

What sort of an excuse is that?

What- What is-

What is mysterious

That is like,

the least mysterious activity

since the dawn of time.

If- If I ever date

a religious girl

she's gonna come home and

I'm gonna be raping her mom.

Right?

And she's gonna look at me

and go, "What are you doing?"

And I'm gonna go,

"I'm mysterious. "

"I've always been mysterious. "

See, religious people

are just f***ing stupid.

There's how the world was

created which everyone,

and that's the big bang theory,

and then evolution kicked in

and there's little

microorganisms, then a tadpole,

that tadpole learned how to walk

or something,

and then there were

some animals in between,

and then f***ing monkeys,

and then us.

And that's science.

Then there's how religious

people believe we was created

They believe that God put

two white people in the jungle

without sunscreen,

and they f***ed,

and there we go, people.

There we go, black people,

Arab people, oriental people,

and for the amount of inbreeding

very few retards.

It seems so plausible!

See, the fact is that

there's evolution in the Bible.

Right? Jesus was 4'7".

Four foot seven.

He was a normal-sized guy,

everyone was short back then.

We're all taller now

because of evolution.

That's how Jesus could

feed the people with two fish,

little f***ing people,

big f***ing fish.

So this is Jesus here, right?

He's a little tiny Arab Jew.

He looks like Super Mario.

Now,

if Jesus is this big,

that means his cross was maybe,

maybe that big.

Now, I'm not saying

I'm better than Jesus.

But if I was

on that little cross

my feet would be on the ground

and I'd f***ing live.

So what killed Jesus could not

kill me, I'm way more powerful.

Not only would I leave,

but I would lift the cross

out of the ground

and beat up all the little

Roman bastards.

And History would be

very different.

Thousands of years before Jesus

there was a guy called Noah.

And Noah built a boat

and Noah lived to be

950 years old.

But I'd never mention that

in sermons,

'cause we might think

its bullshit.

And Noah was thousands of years

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Jim Jefferies

All Jim Jefferies scripts | Jim Jefferies Scripts

0 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jim_jefferies:_i_swear_to_god_11293>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.