Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #2

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which is why our building

is named after the place

God talked to Moses

as a burning bush.

Over here's our

Casper the Ghost wing...

next to our Astrology Center.

Do you like UFOs?

We love those.

We're all about science."

Spent two weeks

in the hospital.

People what work in hospitals

are truly amazing people.

-[cheering]

-They are.

So nice and supportive.

It makes you suspicious,

right?

Are they stealing the drugs?

They're a little too excited

to be around

sick people in pajamas.

And when I say "sick,"

I'm not talking about

the positive slang, right?

'Cause that's--that's part

of our language, right?

"That jacket is sick!"

But you don't want

a medical professional

to be like,

"Your test results are sick!

I mean, let me clarify,

you're dying."

It's got to be hard

to work in a hospital.

That hospital lighting.

Everyone looks sick

in that hospital lighting.

I walked in, they're like,

"We should get you to the ER."

"I'm just here

to see my wife."

"Well, you have jaundice.

See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!

I have jaundice, too!

We all have jaundice!"

When my wife would nap,

I would go to the cafeteria.

Hospitals have the most

cutting-edge medical equipment,

but they're still serving food

like it's Shawshank Redemption.

How about selling an MRI machine

and getting a pasta station?

"Jim, you're a monster."

There's different sections

in hospitals.

There's the Emergency Room,

the Intensive Care Unit.

Which sound scary,

but I don't know why anyone

would want to stay anywhere

but the Intensive Care Unit.

It kind of implies

the rest of the hospital's like,

"Look, we care, but we're not

gonna be a spaz about it."

"I get a phone call,

I'm gonna take it, right?

We're like

the Mediocre Care Unit.

Which is better than

We Couldn't Care Less Unit.

Those guys are horrible."

It's wild.

My wife was in surgery

for ten hours.

and before the surgery,

the surgeon told me, he goes,

"Half way through I'll probably

stop and get lunch."

I don't need to know that.

Why even tell me that?

Was he afraid I was gonna

run into him in the cafeteria?

"What are you doing here?!"

"I get these cravings.

Those Snickers commercials

are true."

But he was

a great brain surgeon.

We learned later on

that he's like the best.

I don't know how they determine

the best brain surgeon.

You know,

maybe there's a competition.

America's Got Tumors.

Heidi Klum

thought he was the best.

The best brain surgeon.

Isn't it enough that someone's

a brain surgeon?

None of us could even

get in Med School.

A brain surgeon goes

to medical school,

afterwards,

specializes in neurology,

after that, specializes

in surgery of the brain,

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