Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #2

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Too dangerous?

We gotta install the one-handed,

spring-loaded,

pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucet.

You know, those ones you gotta go:

"Hey I got a little water there"

"Hey I got a couple of drops."

What is it they think we

would do with a faucet?

Turn them all on full,

run out into the parking lot,

laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?

"Come on, the water's on, let's go!"

"I turned it on full blast."

"You idiot! We're businessmen,

we're gonna miss our plane."

"Who cares! Water!"

That's how they think we're gonna act.

Do the people that work in these shops

in the airport have any idea

what the prices are every place

else in the world?

"Yeah, $14 a tuna sandwich.

We think that's fair."

"That's what we charge in our country."

Then you get on the plane.

The pilot of course always has

to come on the PA system.

This guy is so excited about being a pilot,

he can't even stand himself.

"Well, I'm gonna take it up to about 20,000."

"Then I'm gonna make a left by Pittsburg."

"Then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago."

"And then I'm gonna bring it down to 15,000."

He's giving the whole route, all his moves.

We're in the back going: "Yeah, fine."

"You know, just do whatever the hell

you gotta do. I don't know."

"Just end-up where it says on the ticket,

really."

Do I bother him with what I'm doing?

Knocking on the cockpit door:

"I'm having the peanuts now."

"Yeah, that's what we're doing back here."

"I thought I'd keep you posted."

"I'm not gonna have them all now,

I'm just gonna have a few."

"I don't wanna finish it because

it's such a big bag."

Then the stewardesses have to come out.

They have to do their little

emergency equipment show.

You know, that thing they do.

One of them reads it,

the other one acts it out.

"Hey, we have seatbelts and oxygen masks."

"Things for you to use."

They show you how to use the seatbelt,

in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

"Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh!"

"I was trying to break the metal apart."

"I thought that's how it works."

"I was gonna try and tear the fabric

part of the belt."

"I thought if I could just get it started..."

Then they're always

pointing out the emergency exits,

always with that very vague point though,

isn't it?

"Where the hell would these places be?",

would you say.

The plane's at a 90 degrees angle,

your hair is on fire,

you're looking for this.

How you think you're gonna do there?

She's thinking:

"I'm getting out before you're getting out."

"You're dead, you're dead, I'm gone."

Then they always have to close that

first class curtain, too.

They always give you that little look.

"Maybe if you would have

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