Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #2

Of course my wife and my girls are all... I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. I thought, "Damn, if she'd been going a little faster, I'd have a new puppet.

A Chihuahua on a stick!" My wife started going nuts

with the Chihuahua thing. She named her Chihuahua Darby. After a year and a half my wife decided it was time to breed the dog. My wife got on the internet and

found the 3- pound... stud... Chihuahua. I don't know how you call anything that's 3 pounds 'a stud'.

We picked up little Jake. The owner wanted to get rid of him. So Jake came to live at our house. He was full grown, ready to go. Then Darby came in heat. Not long after that we had three tiny little Chihuahua puppies.

The two larger ones my wife gave away. The runt of the litter... The runt from two 3- pound dogs we decided to keep. Rusty is now full- grown, at a whopping 1.8 pounds. The cool part is he and 80- pound Bill are best friends. I don't know how you can be best friends, with someone who is the same size as your poop.

My kids question whether I'm funny or not. I pointed that out in the backyard to them. I'm a comedy genius now! The cool part is little Rusty picked me over everyone else to bond with. He likes me best,

we don't know why. I kinda like it. I come home, he runs

to the front door, I pick him up, take him to my office. I have a stuffed car, he sits in that car. If he sits just right, it looks like he's driving around my desk. People walk in my office, "It's a rat! Oh, it's your dog." The bond between Rusty and me has gone beyond just companionship. There's an emotional bond. This has happened 5 times. It can't be coincidence. The three Chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me.

My wife and I will get into an argument, go to bed angry.

You're not supposed to do that, but we're tired.

Rusty hears the argument, knows we're not happy with each other. But he takes my side. At 3 or 4 in the morning, he will wake up, and pee on my wife.

I am not kidding. It's the greatest thing ever!

I have the satisfaction of knowing, if I go to bed angry with my wife, it's gonna be taken care of. This is all absolutely true. I had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30. My wife and I had argued, I wake up still mad at her. 4 am, I'm ready to walk out the door,

but I still love her. I go to kiss her. I walk over and put my hand on her... "Rusty, my man!" It's still warm, she hasn't woken up yet. I lean over, "I love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!" Rusty's at the end of the bed just wagging his tail. I'm at the front door, "I hope

he doesn't teach Bill to do that." We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old. They've had normal childhoods. Most things have been great. Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism.

For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak. Not when Mommy's around. "Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes." I'm a lot of fun to hang around Toys 'R' Us around Christmastime. Boys run to their parents, "Mommy, know what that G.I Joe said to me?"

They will never catch me. We try to take family walks as often as possible. On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog. One evening we let Kenna, the 9- year- old, choose. Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor. We don't know where that came from.

We have a leash. One of those big self retracting leashes.

You push the button and it quickly retracts. Don't beat me to the funny part. I walk out the front door and

think I'll be the first one there. Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash. She's 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up.

Darby is going... I ask Kenna, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make her heel automatically."

I say, "Kenna! It doesn't work. I already tried it." "High five."

We're out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension. 30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn't given up on what she's trying. As we're walking she's

pushing the button and letting it up. Looking at the dog,

looking at the leash, i see the wheels in her head turning... "What is this twisted little child going to do?"

As we're walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose, dropped the leash. Do you see the brilliance here? The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua.

A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement. The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise. She looked behind her. Here comes the leash.

At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know, that now would be a good time to panic.

She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could. But the leash was slightly faster.

I'm standing there, "Where's the video camera?" "We can win 10,000 bucks! 'Watch what happens!"' And sure enough...

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