Jayson Bend: Queen and Country Page #3

and so is every soldier who has access

to the Sergeants' Mess.

What do I want a clock for, sir?

Sure I can't even tell the time.

That clock was given to one of

my predecessors by Queen Victoria

after the Crimean War for valour.

Valour!

It has kept time in the mess

for a hundred years.

Now some twit of a conscript has nicked it.

Well, this is a closed camp.

No one will smuggle a clock out of here.

We've found it, sir,

in the back kitchen, being cleaned.

Right, let's clear up this mess, Redmond,

and I don't want to hear about your hernia.

I'll get my broom, sir.

They say he's ill, the King.

If that were so, Buckingham Palace

would issue a bulletin.

It has not, so he is not.

Do you have any family, Sergeant Major?

No, you're married to the Army.

That makes the King kind of like your dad.

Huh.

That silly remark will result in

a charge of insolence, Sergeant Hapgood.

I think he only meant it in the sense

that nuns are married to Jesus, sir.

- I have a class.

- Me, too.

Hey. Psst. Come here.

What?

Where did you get all these snouts?

Lad in the NAAFI owed me a favour.

Yours is a murky world, Redmond.

You're my hero, Redmond.

Skiver par excellence.

Yeah, well, skiving

is not a skill acquired overnight.

You're only in two years.

Skiving takes longer than that.

But you show promise, Percy.

And how would you define

your complete Skiver, Redmond?

Put it like this.

Army training brainwashes you.

When you're told to get out of a trench

and walk towards a machine gun

that's shooting at you, you do it.

A Skiver will find a reason

to stay in the trench.

You've got to be brave to be that cowardly.

Wow. That is so profound, hmm?

Yeah.

- And how do you get on top of the officers?

- Find a weak spot.

Like this young doc.

Insecure, easy to con.

I can get a chitty off him no bother.

Everyone in the Army's

trying to get away with something.

Find out what it is and play on it.

Except our Bradley. A tough nut.

He lives by the letter of the law.

No weak spot? No chink in the armour?

Not sure.

Could be rage.

He's a tinderbox.

- I'll get him in the end.

- No.

We'll do it together.

Hernia still playing up, Redmond?

Yes, sir. Required to...

Keep hand in pocket. Yes, we know.

Well, take it out and salute properly.

What infraction is it this time,

Sergeant Major Bradley?

Disruptive behaviour

contrary to good order, sir.

What is that?

Frolicking? Messing about?

Not language I would use, sir.

Reprimanded, Redmond.

And Sergeant Major,

try to maintain discipline

without resorting to company orders.

It is tiresome. Dismiss.

Improperly dressed, sir.

How, Sergeant Major?

Did Sergeant Hapgood

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