Jackass Number Two Page #2

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Well, if you didn't jump out of the way,

I would've had it done the first time.

- You should've pressed, you a**hole!

- I did press! You went like that!

F***! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.

Turn around.

I'm not going to burn you again.

I already got you three times.

- Three of them.

- You gave me a hologram dick.

There's three solid d*cks,

there's one half-assed one right here

and then you gave me a set of balls.

- But a sweet set of balls.

- Rad.

I'd rather rip my dick off

and throw it in the river

than to do that again.

God damn.

We're at Ape and Phil's house

and I'm gonna present them

the branded dick on my butt.

Let me rephrase that. D*cks.

- Well, I gave him a present.

- What present?

He loved it.

- What?

- It still hurts.

- What? What am I looking at?

- He gave me a dick farm on my ass.

Oh, my God! What is that?

What is that?

- I branded his ass.

- It's supposed to be a dick

but he did it six times,

so now I have a dick farm on my ass.

- Is that permanent?

- Yes! Look!

- What is that, a tattoo?

- It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.

Bam, that is so infected!

That does not look good. Oh, my God,

he's going to have that for life!

- You're going to have that for life.

- No sh*t.

If you have one on there, you should've

made it bigger and more realistic.

- That puny thing's embarrassing.

- Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.

I know, and you had the cutest butt ever

and now you've ruined it.

- No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.

- Yeah, why'd you ruin it?

I tried to do it good. He jumped around.

I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.

Why would you burn him

in the first place, Dunn?

- Because it was funny.

- It's not funny.

Get ready to be happy,

ladies and gentlemen.

Johnny Knoxville is going to jump

the entire lake.

He's amazing.

What happened? You were going about

one mile per hour,

then, all of a sudden, 60.

I thought you were gonna hang on.

There is no holding on

to that motherf***er.

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan

is going to jump the entire lake.

Mark, give our regards

to the folks on the other side.

I thought they forgot to set it off

and then it just took off.

- I don't know what happened.

- I don't either.

- All I know is he almost made it.

- He's a hero.

We're here in England

with Mat Hoffman

and he's about to jump

the English Channel into Germany.

Good luck, Mat.

That was f***ing great.

What was so great about that?

He didn't even go to Germany.

Oh, my God.

It's a lovely day for a swim

in the Gulf of Mexico.

I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.

Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.

- Oh, dude.

- We got it? We're good?

That hurt to do that to you.

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