InAPPropriate Comedy

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1

[SKATEBOARD SHUFFLING]

MAN:
It's Thursday.

I've been out here for...

120-Something hours.

I'm out of water.

And I don't know

how much longer.

I'm going to be here.

So this is a message

for my family.

Mom and dad, I love you.

I did my best.

Marie...

I wanted to be there

for your graduation.

So just think of me, please.

[GASPING]

Come on.

[GASPING]

Hey, how you doin'?

Hello.

Hello?!

What the f***?!

Hocus pocus

the time is now

that you noticed

[RATS SQUEAKING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

they tried to tell me

but they're not getting

in no messes

[SONG CONTINUES]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

victim of society

all my life I've tried

I've become a victim

of society

this is bogus

the time is now

that you noticed

[SONG CONTINUES]

they tried to tell me

but they're not getting

in no messes

[SONG CONTINUES]

can somebody tell me

I'm a victim of society

all my life I've tried

[BEEPING]

Hmm.

Feel the breeze from the subway?

Uh-Huh.

Ohh!

Man, you look just like

Marilyn on that grate.

Oh! Except Marilyn never had

to wear a scram bracelet.

[TRAIN HORN HONKS]

Oh! Here comes

another one.

It's even bigger.

Ohh!

[HORN HONKING]

Mm-Hmm.

Hmm.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

I'm going it alone,

do my time until I'm done

... easy

all the faces that I've seen

don't mean anything at all to me

she got me going now

out of my mind

and it's a hell of a time

yeah

it's all insane,

but I don't need

but I'm trying

just to let you know

that I don't want

to cause a scene

but I'm sorry

I tell you everything that you

know you never want to hear

'cause it's true

I give you all I got but there's

nothing there that you can use

so you got me going now

going out of my mind

and it's a hell of a time

with you now, yeah

I don't want to say

what I don't mean

but I'm trying

just to let you know

that I don't want

to cause a scene

but I'm sorry,

it's time for you to go

I don't want to say

what I don't mean

but I'm trying

just to let you know

that I don't want

to cause a scene

but I'm sorry,

it's time for you to go

don't want to say

what I don't mean

but I'm trying

just to let you know

that I don't want

to cause a scene

but I'm sorry,

it's time for you to go

[HUMMING]

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIRENS IN DISTANCE]

ANNOUNCER:

When trouble rises...

[TIRES SQUEALING, GUNSHOTS]

And there's

no one else to call,

Who do you turn to?

This summer...

Action gets a little sensitive.

"Flirty harry."

[MAN GROANING]

[C*CKS GUN] Uh-Uh-Uh.

Go ahead. Make me gay.

ANNOUNCER:
He's never afraid

to take on the establishment.

I told you before,

I am not going.

To wait around for a bunch

of other d*cks.

Not when I have an opening to

take those guys from the rear.

Yeah. I read

your report, harry.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't think you understand,

those boys were packing heat.

I mean, as soon as I came,

those a**holes opened up.

Yeah, opened up and started

spraying everywhere.

Yeah.

I read that, too, harry.

Sir, I know

this is a heavy load.

Look, I realize

I'm leaving you.

With a mess all over your face.

Sometimes you got

to swallow... [GULP]

Your pride, you know?

Suck it up.

Oh, come on, harry,

These are just weird

phrases you're using now.

Well, what do you want me

to say? So I went in.

Yeah, I went in deep,

balls to the wall.

But I unloaded

into both of those a**holes.

All right, stop, will you...

and it felt good!

I read the frickin' report.

Look, everybody in the

department gets a partner.

That's right,

even you, super cop!

He's a pig, but

he's right, harry.

I don't have time

to break him in.

Do you know how many

partners you've had?

He's a cancer on this force!

Oh, please, they'll smell

this dirty a**hole.

Coming a mile away.

Oh, come on.

It's policy, harry.

Comes from up high.

Super cop.

You shut up.

Let me tell you something.

Yeah?

City hall's been trying to get me

to bend over a barrel for years.

If I am going down,

I'm going down hard.

I'm sorry, am I the only one

that had an erection.

From when he started

talking, or...

Shut up, rookie.

["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"

PLAYING]

[SIRENS]

[SNARLING]

[NO AUDIO]

Hmm?

Oh, uh, oh!

Uhh!

Hey, I'm Jamal,

And this is "blackass."

What the f***

is this, sh*t soup?!

F*** this! Arrest me.

Ohh!

What the f***?!

[HUMMING]

Oh, hello.

I'm Ari Shaffer.

You know, America's had it

pretty rough lately.

And in tough times

such as these,

Our country turns

to its heroes.

To give us back

our sense of swagger.

Heroes such as myself.

Welcome

to "the amazing racist."

We're here in southeastern

Arizona today.

At one of

the toughest stretches.

Of the Mexican-American

border.

Uh, probably right here... from

here it's about 3 miles down...

Is where 40% of the

illegal immigrants.

Come in every day.

They are coming in and

stealing our gardening jobs,

Our nannying jobs.

They're breastfeeding

our white babies.

With their tres leches milk,

And ruining

our minds and our souls.

My dad worked

as an orange salesman.

On the side of the road,

the side of the freeway,

For 37 years before one of

these brown bombers came in.

And undercut his business,

and it's ridiculous.

But right over there,

that's Mexico.

That's real... like if I

took a rock and throw it,

This is an act... that's

an act of war right now.

I just invaded Mexico.

An invasion that I've been

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