Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #2

Synopsis: Iliza Shlesinger performs in this standup talking about dating, feminism and some of the intricacies associated with being a woman in the 21st century.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Bobcat Goldthwait
 
IMDB:
6.2
TV-MA
Year:
2016
77 min
317 Views


when I'm drunk for this simple fact.

In my group of friends, I'm the alpha.

I decide what we do. Obviously.

I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars,

mostly because no one cares,

but I am the decision-maker.

And what worries me is,

if I'm doing stupid sh*t when I'm drunk,

what hope do the sheep who I lead have...

[cheering and applause]

if that's my example?

So this is the story of one such night.

So, we were out the other night

and we were

sh*t-canned.

Like, the kind of drunk

where you can't even read.

[applause]

And then you realize it's because...

you're in China Town.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

[laughter]

Actually, you know you're f***ed up when

you're in China Town and you can read.

Ohhh!

- Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So...

- [laughter]

We're drunk and we're walking through

China Town and we walk into a bar.

I'm reticent to say that it's a club

because I'm 33,

but there was a dance floor, a DJ

and I had on a little body glitter, okay!

[laughter]

You're probably wondering,

"Why are you wearing body glitter?"

I will tell you, Chicago.

Because my date was late to pick me up.

Gentlemen!

[laughter]

You need to know this about women.

When we get ready,

we have a list of things we do

to reach our most attractive point.

There is an apex,

nay, a pinnacle of beauty...

that women reach

when they're getting ready.

And every minute you're late to get us

is one more minute

we spend doubting ourselves,

dicking with our makeup,

and we get incrementally uglier...

- [laughter]

- as time goes on.

[cheering and applause]

One time, my date was an hour late,

I grew a tail.

[laughter]

This guy was only 30 minutes late,

thank God.

He walks in, I'm on the ground,

there's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.

I've got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand,

I'm like, "I'm a pretty girl!"

[laughter]

"Save yourself."

[laughter]

But what happens is, we have time,

so we start to add things,

doubt ourselves.

- That's where I found that glitter.

- [laughter]

"He's not here. [gasps] What's this?"

In hindsight, it wasn't body glitter,

it was straight-up craft glitter.

[laughter]

But I was like, "I'm gonna put it

on my face, make it dainty."

Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel

that you can make something work?

Do you ever feel that

because you're not trashy,

you can pull off

doing something that's trashy?

[cheering]

You're like, "I can wear

fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford."

Like it's okay for some reason.

[laughter]

That's how I felt about that body glitter.

I was like, "I'll just do a little bit.

I'll do a classy amount.

I'm just gonna do a little bit."

Fun fact, you know what body glitter

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Iliza Shlesinger

Iliza Vie Shlesinger (; born February 22, 1983) is an American comedian. She was the 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing and went on to host the syndicated dating show Excused and the TBS comedy/game show Separation Anxiety. She hosts a late-night talk show called Truth & Iliza on Freeform. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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