I Melt with You Page #3
- She gave you the crabs?
I f***ed her boyfriend
Jeff Snyder.
Oh, great. Well played.
- That's so f***ing funny...
- What?
because when
I f***ed Emily, I gave her crabs,
which basically means
I gave you the crabs!
Hey, f*** off!
I banged her...
when I banged her,
I knew that I had
the f***ing crabs.
There you go, mac.
Here, take them back.
Here are your crabs back,
you f***.
The gift that keeps giving, huh?
You still have 'em, sir?
You know how to get rid of 'em?
By the way, this is true.
You take a really good,
good lighter,
and you shave one testicle,
and you light
- The critters run from...
- Critters!
the burning testicle
onto the shaved one.
Okay, and then
you take an ice pick,
and you just jam it
into the f***ers!
Aah, aah!
True.
Is it possible
to have a conversation
that's a little more serious?
- No, no!
- No!
- Come on.
- F*** that.
That's what
I f***in' hate, man.
Is people... we...
we can no longer
do and say the things
that make us feel good.
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
Are you saying
that doing and saying
stupid things
makes you feel good?
You know what
I'm talking about.
Like, when we get past 40,
we can no longer be honest
about what makes us laugh.
And if you're
a father, forget it.
You show any immaturity,
you lose all credibility.
Oh, come on.
Blah, blah, blah.
- Come on, that's pathetic.
- You are pathetic, Ron, because...
- What?
- You don't need to participate
in a conversation
that might be illuminating
because you're such
a powerful man.
Oh, no, that's not
f***ing it, by the way.
I am here to talk
about Volvos...
- vulvas.
- Volvos!
- I got one of those.
- And schlongs.
Happy birthday
to you, Timothy!
Happy birthday!
Yeah!
Happy birthday, baby.
Happy birthday, Timmy.
- Look at that.
- She's got a beard.
Of course she does.
Look it, she's got
a man-gina.
- See? I didn't forget about you.
- You never do.
I love you, pal. Happy birthday.
I guess I can die now.
Do it when no one else
is around, please.
- Thanks, guys.
- We're all glad you were born.
- Happy birthday.
- Timmy!
Here's to us.
- Us band of brothers!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
I wanna be adored
I wanna, I wanna
I wanna be adored
I wanna, I wanna
I wanna be adored
I wanna, I wanna
I gotta be adored
I wanna be adored.
Why do you dislike
rock 'n' roll so much?
These days, it's a disease.
It's a plague.
It's been going on
for too long.
It's history.
It's not achieving anything.
It's just digression.
They play rock 'n' roll
at airports.
It's about as, like,
advanced as it can possibly get.
But there was a time
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"I Melt with You" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/i_melt_with_you_10508>.
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