I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #2

When you get depressed like this...

you need to ask yourself,

"What would Tucker do? "

And then you go out and you do that.

I already know what you would do.

And I have no desire to get HIV

from one of the cum dumpsters...

into whom you shoot your

emotional pain every weekend.

HIV is basically curable now.

It doesn't even show up

in Magic Johnson's blood anymore.

Are you saying that Magic Johnson

is black and has AIDS...

and has it better than me?

Yeah, I love children.

You know, I wanna--

Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work

with them, have a bunch of my own.

-Really?

-Yeah, what about you?

Are you kidding me? I love kids.

-I can't wait to have more.

-Shut up, you don't have kids.

-Yep. I do.

-No, you don't.

He does. They're just all in the compost

heap behind Planned Parenthood.

If you do stem-cell research,

you can work with them.

All right, this is my boy.

Run along, baby, man talk.

-All right.

-I got your number, I'll call you.

Perhaps.

Who says romance is dead?

How can you hate women...

yet at the same time

be mad at what Tucker does?

-It makes no sense.

-I am like a feminist.

I can assert

multiple contradictory positions.

Do me a favor.

Can you not talk to my server like that?

It's disrespectful, okay?

-Excuse me?

-Yeah, I think you heard me.

I heard you, hero. You don't want

me flirting with your server.

-I didn't know she belonged to you.

-It's a figure of speech.

Here's another figure of speech:

mind your own f***ing business.

I'm sorry I've accomplished more

with Leslie in 30 minutes...

than you have in 2 years,

but she looked happy talking to me.

Or maybe she rubs her crotch

against all customers.

-Probably.

-It's time for you to leave.

-It's time for you to get us another drink.

-Yeah, I don't think so, man.

Could you just go ahead

and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.

Can you get me another beer for--?

-Actually, another 2 beers for table 6.

-Last one.

All right.

What the eff, Leslie?

Okay, come on, f*** stick. Let's do this.

You're gonna f*** this girl, pal.

You think you're tough?

No.

Just tougher than you.

Tell your friend I know Brazilian jiujutsu.

He wants to make out.

Why is he twitching?

Listen, we need to discuss

a change of venue for your party.

This should be good.

No, seriously, the strip club

we're supposed to go to sucks.

It's dirty and decrepit...

and the girls have personalities

like the worst parts of the Bible.

Personalities?

Are you saying we have to talk to them?

Some of us actually enjoy

the company of women, Drew.

Yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.

Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't

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