I'll Be Home for Christmas Page #3

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1 Academy kids

are driving back east this winter

and I get a ride with you.

Just the two of us, riding

the crest of destiny's rainbow.

Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages.

OK, hold on, first the ground rules.

lf you say to me things like that,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you say anything nasty about Jake,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you try to feel me up,

l'll have to slug you.

lf you make me listen to any sexist,

racist or homophobic jokes,

l'm gonna have to slug you.

And finally, I might have to slug you

from time to time

simply because I find the prospect

of this incredibly stressful.

All right, sounds like a party to me.

So, what shall we listen to?

Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?

l'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?

Cut the crap. l'm already in the car.

All right, let's burn this baby.

New York, yeah!

See you, lovebirds.

Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine.

Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so...

Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.

This totally sucks.

You got a mean disposition

for a Santa.

l need to make another phone call.

Long distance?

What from here is not long distance?

lt's Jake.

-Where are you?

l'm in the middle of nowhere,

dressed like Santa,

being attacked by tumbleweed.

Cool.

-Get me Dad.

When did I become your slave?

-The day you were born.

Right.

lt's the prodigal son.

Hello, Father.

Jake, you sound funny.

Are you at the airport?

l've had some setbacks but if you

wire me money, l'll make it home.

Just what kind of a bind are you in?

He's in the middle of nowhere

dressed as Santa

being attacked by a bumblebee.

Tumbleweed!

Otherwise, like she said.

That is the worst alibi

in a long line of bad alibis.

But it's all true.

-That's what you always say.

l know, but I really need your help

to make it home on time.

Look, we had a deal.

lt is up to you to get home

on Christmas Eve

or forget about the Porsche.

Excuse me.

l couldn't help overhearing.

You're trying to get home

for Christmas

and your father won't help you?

lt's not that, it's just...

He's so worried about the operation.

He's not thinking clearly.

-Operation?

Yeah.

The whole family chipped in and got

him a triple bypass for Christmas.

l sent home every last dollar l

earned as a shopping mall Santa.

The operation's on Christmas Eve.

Now I won't be home until after

the anaesthesia wears off.

Oh, dear.

You know, me and the girls are

driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.

We're Tom Tom Girls.

You want to ride with us?

Do you have What's New, Pussycat?

Do we have

What's New, Pussycat?

What's New, Pussycat?

Can we crack open a window?

Do you think it's funny

how easily old people

can catch pneumonia?

Do you think that's a joke?

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