How to Be Single Page #3

Usual stuff.

Uh, Wrigley Fields. Mmm.

Dolphin Trainer. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

Loved, since forever.

Wow, no, no, you know,

because the normal ones

are already checked off,

you know?

Mmm-hmm. Hot Carl.

Dirty Sanchez. Yeah, that's...

Golden Shower. That one, Oh.

I actually checked off

by accident.

Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)

So, these aren't career

goals or life goals.

These are more sexual things.

Have you ever heard

of the Whack-a-Mole?

Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke? Really?

I didn't think you'd want to do

a Rum and Coke with

me on our first date.

Um, rum and Coke?

I got to find a live hamster.

So, I guess I could

trap a street rat.

I mean, we are in New York.

Rum and Coke!

I got to go shave my legs.

Drink more water.

Oh. Okay.

Yo.

Go lock yourself in my office.

Thank you.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we go.

Let me teach you

how to be single.

Okay, lesson one.

Go get us some drinks.

Okay.

No. That was a trick.

You don't buy the drinks.

Boys buy the drinks.

It's kind of like a sexual

currency that they use,

so they're not actually

paying you to hook up.

So, go get us a drink.

Okay.

Not... Not with this wallet.

Okay. With the sausage wallet.

Which of you is

buying oil right now?

Do you know how much...

Hey, what's up, y'all?

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know why

I just said "y'all."

"You all" would have

taken just as much time.

And I'm not even

from the South,

I'm from Portland.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Which is southern from Canada.

Are y'all Canadian?

I just did it again,

I said it again.

My system should have

weeded him out.

You probably read

your data wrong.

I bet that guy told you

exactly who he was.

You just didn't

want to hear it.

I tell the truth

to girls all the time.

They hear what

they want to hear.

That sounds like

a load of crap.

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

I'm not kidding. Watch this.

Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

Hi.

Hey, uh, you know we're only

sleeping together for fun, right?

Because I'm not interested

in long-term relationships,

so I think I'm gonna

start seeing other people

and I think you

should move on, too.

Because I care about you,

and I don't want

to see you get hurt.

Oh, I care about you, too.

Yeah. Hmm.

Wow.

You guys are super

dressed-up. Funeral?

Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

That was a really bad idea.

This is stupid. I should

probably just go home.

It's better.

No, are you kidding?

You have a small window

in which to bang your way

through New York City.

No, Josh and I didn't break up

so I could see other people.

I'm trying to

figure out who I am.

Then why don't you take this,

go home and

stare at your beave?

Look, I'm just gonna

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