Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #3

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PENELOPE:

She quit this afternoon.

PAUL:

We don't have a maid any more.

WOODLY:

Oh?

PENELOPE:

The animals made her sneeze and cry

too much.

WOODLY:

I'm glad somebody finally cried.

Every time I come in here and see

all this unnecessary death, I want

to cry.

(winking at PAUL,

acknowledging PAUL's

low opinion of him)

I don't cry, of course. Not manly,

you know. Did she try antihistamines?

PENELOPE:

They made her so sleepy she

couldn't work.

WOODLY:

Throw out all this junk. Burn it!

This room crawls with tropical

disease.

PAUL:

Everything stays as it is!

WOODLY:

A monument to a man who thought

that what the world needed most was

more rhinoceros meat.

PAUL:

(hotly)

My father!

WOODLY:

I apologize. But you didn't know

him, and neither did I. How's your

asthma?

PAUL:

Don't worry about it.

WOODLY:

How's the fungus around your

thumbnail?

PAUL:

(concealing the thumb)

It's fine!

WOODLY:

It's jungle rot! This room is

making everybody sick! This is

your family doctor speaking now.

(unrolling the poster)

Here--I brought you something else

to hang on your wall, for the sake

of variety.

PENELOPE:

(reading)

"War is not healthy for children

and other living things." How lovely.

WOODLY:

No doubt Paul thinks it stinks.

Lion doorbell roars.

WOODLY:

I hate that thing.

PAUL:

(going to the door)

Keeps fairies away!

He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries an Electrolux vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE:

(to PAUL

affectionately,

touching him)

Hi kid.

(seeing WOODLY)

Would you look what the car dragged

in.

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