Gypped in the Penthouse

---

No ice, I'll get it myself.That's all...

Oh, I beg your pardon sir.

I didn't mean that. I'm sorry...

Larry! Of all people! I

haven't seen you in years.

Shemp! You're a sight for sore eyes!

Sit down and we'll have a drink.

I don't mind if I do.

What kind of stuff is this?

Nice and fresh!

When did you join the Woman Haters Club?

Oh, it's a long story. I'll

have to tell you a little later.

Alright.

Right now, we're busy with

this. You see. Oh, brother!

There you are!

- Here's how!

- I know how.

Too much seltzer.

You're right! They do

make that seltzer strong.

Well, you asked me a question.

It's a long story, but you asked for it.

I was sitting at home

reading a newspaper

when I happen to glance

at the personal column.

There was an ad that caught my eye.

"Tired of being beautiful and alone.

"Will like to meet clean,

well dressed handsome man

"about 35. Object matrimony.

"Address box 41144 Daily Journal."

What an opportunity!

Beautiful and alone.

But a handsome man,

that might be a problem.

What time is it?

Every time I look at this

seven day clock, it stops.

I can't be that ugly. Or can I?

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who's the fairest of them all?

I break more mirrors that way!

Well, believe it or not,

she thought I was handsome.

And I fell for her like a ton of bricks.

Well, a few nights later,

I went over to visit her

at her apartment as usual and...

Close your eyes. I

have a surprise for you.

Oh darling, it's beautiful!

Oh, I'm gonna relax and smoke a bit.

- You wanna smoke?

- Thank you!

- Oh, excuse me.

- I'll get it, I'll get it.

What can I do for you?

This!

Didn't you make a mistake?

Yeah, I hit the wrong eye.

Ah, my beautiful Jane!

While it's in my brain,

may I dared again to ask you not refrain

the chance to make us twain.

Oh, darling, it's beautiful!

- You may kiss me.

- Indeed!

Hey! What the hey!

Who is this spotted raccoon?

Oh, he tried to get engaged to me

with that miserable

little two karat ring.

Just a minute,

that was two and a half

karats, you gold digger!

Why don't you watch your manners?

How dare you call my

tomato a gold digger?

Get away from here!

I guess I told him a two or thing.

I took care of that guy, I tell you.

That caterpillar thinks he's smart,

but he's not smart

enough for me. I'll...

Look out!

Oh, baby!

- Speak to me! Yes?

- This.

I'll murder you! Take it

easy now. Turn me loose.

I'll get you. I'll

tear your tonsils out.

I can't move here! Get

me out of this! I'll...!

I'm through with women

forever! Give me back my ring.

- That's the wrong ring.

- So sue me.

I'll catch up to you one

of these days, wise guy,

and when I do, pow!

Women have always made

trouble. They're all alike.

Now, my trouble started in the subway.

It was crowded and I

was hanging onto a strap.

And all of a sudden,

a beautiful girl get up

and give me a seat.

Well, to make a long friendship short,

here I was at her home...

- That meal was wonderful.

- Oh, thank you!

Beautiful and can cook too.

Thank you!

There now. Will you excuse

me while I powder my nose?

Sure! Where does this pitcher belong?

Up there in the cabinet.

Oh, she forgot to put the

dirty dishes in the washer.

I'll do it.

Oh, I'm so sorry! The automatic

shut-off is out of order.

Oh, you're soaking wet!

You better get those wet clothes off

before you catch cold.

Come on, I'll give

you something to wear.

In a minute, in a minute.

- Come on.

- Alright.

Oh, they're soaked.

Now you hurry up and get

out of those wet clothes

and I'll send them out

to be cleaned and pressed.

Meanwhile, make yourself at home.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Here you are.

Where'd you get the men's pajamas?

Oh, they're my husband's,

but we're separated.

Here, put this on. It'll

help keep you warm, I think.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Boy oh boy oh boy,

what a night that was.

Go on.

Let's wet our whistles

first. Here's looking at you!

Sorry pal. Go on with your story.

Well, there we were in the living room

waiting for my suit to

come back from the cleaners.

She was fond of music

and I was playing the piano and singing.

I was trying to impersonate

that guy with the candelabra.

Home, home on the farm!

In Georgia, our farm had such charm.

And mama's so sweet,

cooks good things to eat.

In Georgia, down on the farm.

How was that?

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're quite a musician.

Just fair. I play that in four sharps.

I used to play in five flats

but I got kicked out of the last one.

Oh, what a lovely ring! May I see it?

Certainly.

- Thank you very much!

- Oh no! No no no!

Now wait a minute. Give

me that now, give me that!

Oh, it went down that hole.

Excuse me. I'm expecting

an important phone call.

I can't get my hands under.

Gosh, it went down further!

Oh, you cock-eyed thing.

What happened?

I feel like a pretzel.

If she sees this mess, she'll kill me.

I better get rid of it.

In here! Never saw a piano

with so much junk in it.

She'll kill me if she sees this.

She'll never know the difference. Hello!

You wrecker! Oh! Your ring!

That will pay for the

damage to my piano.

There must be a way to get that ring

without getting into

trouble with the censor.

Sweetheart! Open the

door. I forgot my key.

Oh, it's my husband.

But I thought you were separated.

We were. He was on a trip.

That's separated, isn't it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes