Grandhotel

present

a film by David Ondricek

Hey! It's going to rain.

Starring

Costume designer

Art director

Editor

Sound

Music

Written by

Director of photography

Executive producer

Produced by

Directed by

- Guten Tag.

- Guten Tag.

Every woman has a certain scent.

and if they smell like gas--wow.

Hey, that new gal

is like a dead fish.

But even a dead fish

can grant you three wishes.

- Why do you think I hired her?

- What are you talking about?

I'll translate:

Even this can become a dew point

from minimum to maximum. Get it?

Sure. The dew point: when the

air's saturated and clouds form.

- It's a magic moment.

- Is the weather all you care about?

About flying, too.

- Great, but I want to know

if you've ever screwed. -What?

Have you ever screwed? Get me?

Humpty Dumpty.

As I can see, obviously not.

Of... Of course I've screwed.

- Oh, I'm sure you screwed

yourself. -A girl, of course.

Right. Fleischman:

Self-Screw, Inc.

Hey, do you know

Jegr's first commandment?

- No, and I don't want to.

- It goes like this:

Go for it...

I'll show you a magic moment.

Like some ice cream, babe?

You went too far, man!

You're fired, you frigid b*tch!

Pretty cool dew point...

Hey, you live here free, eat

free, ride the cable carefree...

If you were a man you'd screw

free! I treat you like family.

- No one asked you to.

- What'd you say?

Sometimes

I feel like an underpaid slave.

Now I'm pissed. I try my best

to help you stop beating off,

but you just think you're funny.

Get lost! Beat it!

F***ing maintenance man...

Hello, ticket inspection...

Thank you.

Hello, ticket inspection...

YOU ARE NOW LEAVING LIBEREC

Ticket inspection!

But you have a ticket.

Goodbye.

- A tornado?

- The tram.

You got a problem, Fleischman,

and I got the solution:

Don't worry, be happy.

Oh, no...

- Get moving, you old fart.

- What did you say?

Just that it's going to rain.

- Welcome back.

- Welcome back? This is my home.

- Know how you recognise Heimat?

- No. -Komme hier...

- Come here. - Ow! Mr. Franz!

- Sniff... Smell it? -What?

What I smelled over England.

Always, whenever I was in danger

I recalled the sweet-sour smell

of this town.

Cabbage and strudel.

That's just the kitchen.

Achtung! Give that here.

Our next mission...

What's our motto?

- A person belongs where he

was born. - Dismissed! - Danke.

Come in!

- What's the forecast today?

- Nice.

- You say that even when it's cloudy.

- Clouds don't bother me.

- Me neither; I like fog.

- Fog isn't a cloud.

- What is it?

- Condensed vapour.

You got

another letter from Germany.

- What are you doing here?

- I work here; and you?

I do too.

This dumpster is sick.

So cure it, doctor.

- What? - I've got

a super solution for you. -What?

Wanna be happy fast?

Wanna be rich?

Wanna do something

with your life?

Happy Life, friend.

All in one. All in one.

Use it for dishes, wood floors,

laundry, ironing, your car.

- I don't have a car. -Guess what

mankind's future depends on.

- Glaciers melting.

- That, too. It depends on global dealing.

We all deal. You're a natural.

You got the face for it, wow!

Don't let happiness pass you by.

Look, you start here.

In a month you got the region.

In 6 months the entire republic.

And then Europe!

So you're here now?

I want to become a super master

and I'll be one in six months.

Hello.

- This is...

- We already met, right, doctor?

- I'm not really interested.

- Everyone is, right, honey?

It seems silly to me.

Isn't it silly

never to be rich and happy?

- I'll let you worry about that.

- Sure, you're right.

You got other problems, eh?

Let down your hair;

you look like a teacher.

- Something's floating in it.

- That's health. -Health?

- Is it for hair, too?

- Sure.

Pour it on your head and

the next day you've got dreads.

I don't want dreads.

Okay, a couple drops

for a Mohawk.

- A Mohawk, huh?

- Yeah.

This fat one is Karl.

He liked sopranos.

We enlisted together in '42. He

was maimed on the Eastern Front.

This one, Heinrich, was almost

killed in an air raid in Hamburg.

This one's Rudi...

He was on a sub.

Imagine, they sank them twice

and he survived.

- Insubordination deserves a bullet!

- Have you gone completely crazy?

- Rudi:
our last mission.

- It'll cost you 100 Euros.

Know what I like best about people?

That they can always be bought.

That's only twenty.

Medals are given out

only after the battle.

We meet in 15 minutes

at spot height B. Dismissed!

- What does creative mean? -That

you're handy, a good cook, etc.

- This test says

I'm the creative type. -Lucky you.

You're dating Patka, right?

- For a long time.

- A long time.

I'm not seeing anyone.

- Want one?

- What is it? - Kinderkill.

- Why do you take it?

- To lose weight.

- You aren't fat.

- Thanks, but the test says so.

- It says I should find a stud.

- A what?

Really! Are you nervous,

lonely, empty? Find a stud.

Just some perverts wrote that.

But I do feel nervous,

lonely, and empty.

Did you need

a magazine to find that out?

- Hello.

- Hello. -Hello.

I guess Fleischman

wouldn't be much of a stud.

- I know, he's weird. -Who isn't?

- You don't seem so weird.

I'll tell you something,

but don't tell anyone.

I always know when someone's

pregnant, even the first week.

I look at them

and I can feel it in my stomach.

You like Fleischman,

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