God Bless America Page #2

to leave yourself more room.

Right.

In fact,

cannot read

above a fourth-grade level.

When high schoolers were asked

what living American

they would want to be,

the majority of girls

answered Kim Kardashian,

and the majority of boys

answered any male cast member

on the "Jersey Shore."

We are listener-supported radio.

We can only stay on the air with...

I'm really late, Ed.

How about you remember

how to park your f***ing car?

Hey, if he plays this well

with one testicle,

maybe the whole team should get cancer.

Oh!

Send all angry letters

and cards to the E-Man here.

What?

Okay, well, I'm the bad guy, all right?

What? I'm just saying

what you're all thinking.

This ain't your daddy's sports show.

The mucho macho grande

burrito machismo experience.

It's extreme.

This is my favorite part

of "American Superstarz,"

when they have the retards on.

- I know what you mean.

- This thing is great!

We're giving you

backstage passes, and all you have to do

is touch her on the tit

and then maybe box a little bit.

Jesus, how long have you

worked on this show,

and you don't know

how to screen the dirty girls?

We want to see blood,

we want to see tears,

we want to see one

of you whores get knocked out.

Hit her in her defective tit.

Hi.

What's up? You called.

I was just trying to figure out

what time to pick up Ava tomorrow.

Ava says she doesn't want to visit you.

Yeah, well, she's going to.

Frank, I can't make her.

Yes, you can.

You're the adult.

Put her on the phone.

All right.

Hey, Ava, honey...

It's your dad.

I'm doing something important.

Well, maybe you can press "pause"?

But I'm almost to the next level!

Hit "pause."

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, kid!

You excited to come see me tomorrow?

I want to stay with mommy.

Why?

Because there's nothing to do

at your house.

What do you mean there's nothing to do?

We do lots of stuff.

We play in the park, we go to the zoo,

we make art.

Your house is boring!

Well, you're coming to see me.

Do you have a present for me?

No.

Hey.

Where'd she go?

She just handed the phone back.

You know, I should have never let you

move her out of town.

Frank, she didn't like to come visit you

even when we lived in Syracuse.

All right, well, Alison,

see what you can do

about changing her mind, okay?

Bye.

So, we're done talking?

No, Brad.

Oh, hey, listen, um...

I'm not sure I remembered to tell you,

but, um...

Brad and I are getting married.

Well, tell Brad, uh...

when he's down there

to smell my balls, all right?

Frank says hi.

Tell him hi back.

Bye, Ava!

Alison, get her to come, okay?

It means everything to me.

God, Frank, I'll try, all right?

You are such a drama queen.

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