Gladiatress Page #2

and nodded off. I think he had a bad crossing.

Pig...

the Romans are here.

QUEEN:
Give them to me!

You're wrong. The war is over there.

- No, ma'am...

- Give me the reigns.

- But, Great Queen...

- I command you. To the sea! To the sea!

- No, ma'am, it's...

- I'm doing the driving. I know the way.

No, no, no, no! No, people!

To the east! To the east!

To the east!

Follow me.

To the east!

To the east! To the east!

And so the Dubonni charged west

towards the bogs

while Dwyfuc and a small band

of ex-boyfriends ran east

to face the mighty Romans alone.

(Bleating)

Yarrgggh!

Yaarrggggh! Yaaargggh!

Yaaargggh!

Rarrgggh!

Yaaaaaah!

(Purrs like a lion)

(Jaw clicks)

(Purrs)

(Clunk)

(General chuckles) It's a good shot.

- General.

- Si?

A message from Caesar.

From a place is called Kent.

He says they cannot find a safe harbour

for the ships

and we must return at once to the fleet.

Pity.

It's a nice country.

Si.

We take-a the fighting lady.

Put her in the wagon. Come on.

She could be useful later.

(Crowd wailing)

(Mournful wailing continues)

Oh, shut up, will you!

She's not dead.

My daughter has been taken by the Romanians.

Romans, my Queen.

We must ask the gods what we must do.

Fetch the one who talks with the gods.

(Chanting)

One Who Talks With The Gods,

tell us of Dwyfuc my daughter,

future queen of the Dubonni-i-i.

Show us what cannot be seen.

- (Squelch)

- Oh, dear.

Well? What do you see?

I see...

blood, guts and gore.

And Dwyfuc?

They have taken her and left...

..her shield.

We knew this!

Look at it!

Tell us something new!

They are taking her back...

across the water.

To their own land.

Where does it say that?

Just there.

She must be rescued.

Dwyfuc must be rescued.

If she is not brought home

when I pass to the Other World,

it'll be the idiot one who shall be queen.

(Wailing)

Who is... Yes, all right.

Who will undertake this almost certainly

pointless and fatal mission to Romania?

Rome, great Queen.

Who shall rescue Dwyfuc, my daughter,

future queen of the Dubonni?

ALL:
I will! I will! I will!

I will!

WORTHABOUTAPIG:
I will rescue her.

- I will rescue Dwyfuc! I...

- (Silence falls)

The unlucky one has been the loudest.

Worthaboutapig shall go to Bucharest.

(Cheering and clapping)

Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc!

(People chant) Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Look, actually...I thought about this overnight

and I don't know how practical this really is.

The gods will protect her.

ALL:
Yes!

- Sure... Sure...

But I just feel I'm...not really the hero type.

And I suppose it's partly, finally...

finding a boyfriend makes me reluctant to go

at this particular juncture.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes