George Carlin: You Are All Diseased
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 1999
- 65 min
- 1,091 Views
That's nice.
Thank you.
Thanks very much,
I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So let me ask
you something.
Let me ask you how's
everybody doing tonight
huh?
Good.
Well f*** you.
Just trying to make
you feel at home.
Now listen, I've been
out here all this time
and I haven't
been complaining
about anything yet
so I think it's time
to go into the
complaint department.
This is just a
series of things
that are pissing
me off okay?
are pissing me off
cause I don't
have pet peeves
I have major psychotic
f***ing hatreds okay?
lot easier to sort out.
First thing on
my list tonight,
airport security.
Tired of this sh*t.
There's too much of it.
There's too much
security at the airport.
I'm tired of some guy
rooting around inside
of my bag for no reason
and never
finding anything.
Haven't found
anything yet.
Haven't found one
bomb in one bag
and don't tell me,
Well the
terrorist know
there bags are
going to be searched
so now they're leaving
their bombs at home.
There are no bombs.
f***ing pointless
and it's completely
without logic.
There's no logic at all.
They'll take away gun
but let you keep a knife.
Well what the
f*** is that?
In fact there's a whole
list of lethal objects
they will allow you
to take on board.
Theoretically you
could take a knife,
an ice pick,
a hatchet,
a straight razor,
a pair of scissors,
a chainsaw, six
knitting needles
and a broken
whiskey bottle
and the only thing they're
going to say to you
is that bag has to fit
all the way under the
seat in front of you.
And if you didn't take
after you been flying
for about an hour
they're going to bring
you a knife and fork.
They actually give
you a f***ing knife.
It's only a table knife
but you could kill a
pilot with a table knife.
Might take you a couple
of minutes you know,
especially if
he's hefty huh?
Yeah but you could
get the job done
if you really wanted
to kill the prick.
Sh*t there's a lot of
things you could use
to kill a guy with.
a guy to death with the
Sunday New York
Times couldn't you?
Or suppose you just
had really big hands
couldn't you strangle
a flight attendant?
Sh*t you could probably
strangle two of them,
one with each hand.
You know if you are lucky
enough to catch them
in that little
kitchen area
before they give out the
f***ing peanuts you know?
But you could
get the job done
if you really
cared enough.
So why is it
they allow a man
with big powerful hands
to get on board
an airplane?
I'll tell you why.
They know he's not
a security risk
because he's
already answered
the three big
questions.
Question number one:
Did you pack your
bags yourself?
No Carrot Top
packed my bags.
He and Martha Stewart
and Florence Henderson
came over to the
house last night,
fixed me a lovely
lobster Newburgh,
gave me a full
body massage
with sacred oils
from India,
performed a four
way around the world
and then they
packed my bags.
Next question:
Have your bags
been in your possession
the whole time?
No.
Usually the night
before I travel,
just as the
moon is rising,
I place my suitcases
out on the street corner
and leave them there
unattended for
several hours.
Just for good luck.
Next question:
Has any
unknown person
asked you to take
anything on board?
Hmm,
but what exactly is
an unknown person?
Surely everyone is
known to someone.
In fact, just
this morning
Kareem and Ucef
Allibamgaba
seemed to know each
other quite well.
They kept joking about
which one of my suitcases
was the heaviest.
don't like at the airport,
jokes you know?
Yeah you can't
joke about a bomb.
Well why is it just jokes?
What about a riddle?
How about a limerick?
How about a
bomb anecdote?
You know no punch line
just a really cute story.
Or suppose you
intended the remark
not as a joke but
as an ironic musing.
Are they prepared to
make that distinction?
Why I think not.
And besides who's
to say what's funny.
Airport security
is a stupid idea,
it's a waste of money
and it's only there
for one reason,
to make white
people feel safe.
That's all, the illusion,
the feeling and
illusion of safety
cause the
authorities know
they can't make an
airplane completely safe.
Too many people
have access.
You'll notice the
drug smugglers
don't seem to have
a lot of trouble
getting there little
packages on board do they?
No and God bless them too.
Oh and by the way
be completely safe.
You need a little
danger in your life.
Take a f***ing chance
once in a while will you?
What are you going to do
play with your prick for
another thirty years?
What are you going to
read People Magazine
and eat at Wendy's
till the end of time?
Take a f***ing chance.
Besides even if
they made
all of the airplanes
completely safe
the terrorist
would simply
start bombing other
places that are crowded.
Porn shops,
crack houses,
titty bars
and gangbangs you know?
Entertainment venues.
The odds of you being
killed by a terrorist
are practically zero.
So I say relax and
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