George Carlin: Doin' It Again Page #3

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puts on the form

when even he don't know

what the f*** you got.

You bring in a little mixed

puppy to a veterinarian

and say, what is it?

He'll say, well,

it's definitely not a monkey.

Tippie was actually

part Dodge Dart.

Poor Tippie was full of guilt,

so much so in fact she's

the only dog I ever had

who committed suicide.

Yeah, well, we don't say it

like that around the house.

We say she put

herself to sleep.

But she ran out in

front of a milk truck.

That's f***ing suicide.

But that was her decision.

That's what

Tippie wanted to do.

And that's the way

it is in our family,

if you want to commit suicide,

we back you up.

So we supported Tippie

in her little

suicide decision,

then we brought

her into the pet shop,

threw her up on

the counter, and said,

give us something bigger.

We're trading up.

We was looking for

a bigger God damn dog.

Because Tippie

had been teenie,

even before

the truck came by.

The truck had

made her teenier,

wider, but teenier.

And we was looking for

a bigger God damn dog.

Not too big, you know,

I don't like a dog

who's bigger than I am.

It's bad enough looking

for sh*t in one direction

without having to duck

flying turds as well.

A good rule of thumb is

keep the dog's

a**hole below eye level.

So we compromised,

and we got us a mid-sized dog,

knee high, just about

like this size here,

best size you can

own, by the way.

Most people know,

this is the ideal

size dog to have.

You know why,

anybody comes to visit you,

the first thing

that dog does

is take his nose and put it

right in their crotch.

Oohh, oohh,

he smells my dog.

No, Marge, I don't believe

that's the animal he has in mind.

And people get

embarrassed by that,

especially the

owner of the dog.

The owner's the one

who's saying stop that,

stop that, will you

stop that now, stop it.

I'm awfully sorry about this.

Not me, I say, get in

there and get some of that.

Get in there and sniff

that thing out, go on.

Listen, would you mind

spreading your

legs a little bit

so he can get right in there?

Yeah, stand like this for

a little while, would you?

Okay, looking good now.

So how's your mom

and dad doing, anyway?

Well, God bless them,

it's a wonderful couple.

Go around the back,

check it out in the back.

Sniff that other

thing in the back there.

What's that?

Well, there's two

different smells he likes,

what can I tell you.

Don't pay him no attention,

he'll be finished in

just about half an hour.

So listen, Reverend,

it's real nice of you to

come and call on us like this.

Every one of us is always

glad to see you around here,

especially that God damn dog.

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