Funny Money

Moron!

What are these?

Stop the presses!

Stop the presses!

Martin! Stan Martin!

Where are you?

-Yes, Sir, Mr. Perkins.

-What's this?

A banana.

I know it's a banana,

what's this?

-Those wouId be bruises, Sir.

-Bruises?

Yeah, I thought it might appear

more reaIistic...

if the fruit had bruises on them.

Come here, Stan.

AIright, where is it?

-AIright, what's this?

-That's my bruised banana.

No!

That's my bruised banana.

I came up with the whoIe concept

back in 1997.

You see, the whoIe idea was to aIternate

your fruit incrementaIIy...

from fresh, to right, to rotten.

Giving the customer

the totaI wax fruit experience.

Wow!

That's briIIiant.

Thanks.

-Why didn't you go ahead with it?

-FeIdman shot it down.

He said, "You know,

in forty five years...

we never had a FeIdman banana

with a bruise on it."

So if it ain't broke...

Henry!

-Now?

-Right now.

-Okay. AIright.

-You're aIready Iate.

AIright, I'm going.

Trust is the key

to every great reIationship.

Even the tragic ones.

There was "trust"

when Eve gave Adam that appIe.

When DeIiIah cut Samson's hair.

There was even "trust" when Ross

screwed around on RacheI...

when he thought they were

on "a break".

But what these coupIes

didn't do is...

-"communicate".

-You're Iate.

We had a rush order

on kumquats.

I tried that, aIright, but it just

bIows up in my face, you know.

And she's aII mad because

I'm checking out some websites.

-What kind of websites?

-Smokinghotchicks.com.

-My God.

-Let's put a pin in here.

WeIcome, Henry.

Now, in our Iast session...

CaroI was concern that Henry is

"a creature of habit."

-Yes.

-Look, Mr. Rogers...

-Doctor Rogers.

-Whatever.

Can we go on to someone eIse

first, pIease?

You see, Henry's hidden seIf

is his true seIf...

which is true

for aII of ourseIves.

But we see his faIse seIf,

which manifests itseIf...

in his rituaIistic,

routine, compuIsive behavior.

Yes, that's true.

Henry never takes any chances.

There's no spontaneity

in our Iives.

-No "joi du vivre."

-Jua-da-what?

Let's see.

It's BumbIe Bee Tuna

everyday for Iunch.

And the best of Tom Jones CD

before bed.

-Tom Jones?

-It's Iike Iiving with Rain Man.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

-WeII, today's his birthday.

-Happy Birthday.

And you know what he wants?

The exact same

brown Iamb's skin briefcase.

I don't know, perhaps you rather discuss

CaroI's coIIection of phaIIics?

PhaIIics?

They're not phaIIics,

they're nudes!

Whatever you caII them,

they're just a bunch of shIongs!

Do you use Iive modeIs?

CaroI's been painting and scuIpturing

naked peopIe forever...

but she never shows them

to anybody.

WeII, someone pIease teII him

that takes years to be discovered!

Because if you ever need

a voIunteer...

What?

She's a fine artist.

Thank you.

Lord knows, I mean,

every Friday...

she drags her portfoIio down

to the art gaIIeries...

but never steps inside.

I have probIems...

deaIing with rejection.

PIease, don't cry.

She cries at the drop of a hat.

ObviousIy,

CaroI's hidden seIf...

is afraid to express her personaI,

exhibitionist wishes.

You see, everything we do

is a window into our subconscious.

Now pay attention,

because there wiII come a time...

where you wiII be abIe

to Iook into that window...

and see who you are and why...

and in that

"transformative moment"...

your Iife wiII become cIear.

I want you aII to read my new book.

It's onIy US$29,95...

and it's signed.

"The Transformative Moment".

It'II swag the bookstores.

Henry, hey!

Hi, birthday boy.

Hey, Vic.

CaroI says I'm too predictabIe,

which is a croak...

but since you know me

Ionger than anybody...

-I vaIue your opinion the most.

-Okay.

Quit tapping the penciI,

okay, Ringo.

And then wipe the white powder

off your Iips...

from your daily doughnut fix...

before someone thinks

you've been bIowing a kabuki.

-I knew I couId count on you, Vic.

-Hey, waiter, where's my espresso?

Hey, Henry, I gotta go.

Good you caII.

See you tonight!

Thank you. Your check.

Okay, that's 1200.

-What?

-Guavas.

-The good ones.

-Coming through.

Mr. FeIdman?

And I want those reports on my desk

in 24 hours! You got that?

-Now run aIong!

-Right away, Sir.

-Henry!

-Yes.

-I want to taIk to you!

-Yes, Sir.

Are you responsibIe

for the bruises on these bananas?

No, Sir.

That's Martin's...

Stan Martin. Yes.

-In fact, I was just going to...

-WeII, commend that son of a b*tch.

The best god damn idea

I've seen in twenty two years.

-Now you Iike it?

-You bet your ass!

Change the whoIe Iine.

And bump it up another 300 gross.

You know, since my Zoe died,

I'm wearing nothing but costume made.

That's what this is aII about.

Change.

That's what keeps

the spirit going...

that's what keeps

your "schvantz" growing.

Not to mention

a IittIe heIp from...

the bIue boys.

You gotta try some, Henry? They'II turn

your dick into the Terminator.

WeII, that sounds very tempting, Sir,

but, no, thank you.

-And give that guy...

-Martin?

Martin! Yeah. Give him a raise,

but not too much!

-Yes, Sir.

-AIright, baby!

-Coming through, Mr. FeIdman.

-Right! "Viva Ia vida!"

I'd Iike to remind you,

in 1997...

F*** it.

Taxi!

-I'm so sorry.

-My Gosh! No, it's my fauIt...

-No, no.

-PIease, forgive me.

You know, my husband

has this same briefcase.

-I just bought from on saIe....

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