Fifty Shades Page #2

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things on the head of that sh*t,

you put that in your butt, okay?

He gonna be like, "Oh, girl,

no, it's just skin tags."

"B*tch, you got 47

skin tags on your dick?

"I ain't falling for that sh*t.

"Again!" Okay?

Mmm, but you gotta admit,

girl, he is bangin"! Mmm!

Yeah, I guess if you're

into the wildly-successful,

super-handsome,

possibly-dangerous thing,

then Christian

Black is your guy.

B*tch, I'm talkin'

'bout Lil Weezy!

Ooh, girl, he got

tats on his tats.

And he ain't afraid

to get a b*tch pregnant.

Let you keep

the baby and everythin'.

Mmm.

You gonna eat that?

Ooh, I wish I could find a man

the size of this to satisfy me.

This sh*t

better be gluten-free.

Hmm, Mr. Black.

Oh, God.

Mmm... God, Christian.

Mmm...

Oh, my God, you know

what I wanna do.

Hi.

What the f***?

What a pleasant

surprise, Ms. Steale.

Please, call me Hannah.

Okay, Ms. Steale.

I was just in the area and

wanted to pick up a few items.

Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?

Yes.

I mean, unless you

don't want me to.

You do want me to, don't you?

Just something to think about.

Can I help you with something?

Yes.

I would like to pick up some

cable ties and some tape.

Well, you're in luck, we got

some cable ties right here.

What color do you want? Red.

The color of passion.

The tape is this way.

Follow me.

If I didn't know better,

I might mistake you

for a serial killer.

Don't be ridiculous.

If I was a serial killer,

I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,

chlorophyll, wood

chipper, plastic sheets

and three large

boxes of space Pampers.

And a shovel.

Second thought...

I think I need to

pick up a few more items.

Well, looks like

you're all set now.

Thank you, Ms. Steale.

Hey, if your roommate needs a

photo to go with the story,

I'll be around tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the day after that.

I'm actually around

all of next week.

Here. Just contact me.

"Christian Black.

"I'm not a bidness man,

I'm a bidness... man."

Thank you so much for your help, Ms.

Steale.

Let me know when those space

Pampers come in, okay?

Save me three boxes!

Got a long drive ahead of me.

Bye!

I'm gonna call you.

Jesse!

Hey.

Thank you so much

for doing this last minute.

Hannah, listen, you are

my best friend, okay?

You know I'd do

anything for you, right?

Oh!

Yeah. I'd really love a

handjob, though. What?

I said I really love this job.

It's amazing.

Oh, my God.

Get in here.

Later I wanna hit it.

Uh... Um...

I didn't catch the last thing.

I said later

I wanna hit the bar.

Oh.

Come on, Hannah,

it's what platonic friends do.

You know?

You grab a beer, right?

Then you make out and have sex

until we question the status of our

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