Father Figures Page #2

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Hot.

No, no, not her.

Boom.

- BENSON:
Now!

- Mmm-hmm?

Foot fetish. (CHUCKLES)

I like this guy.

PETER:
No, no, not that.

Don't you see the resemblance?

KYLE:
The resemblance to who?

Our father!

He's alive!

KYLE:
To our father?

Are you on acid

right now, Pete?

No, Kyle,

look at his birthmark.

KYLE:
Yeah, I'm looking.

Mom, can you tell him

this isn't our father.

He isn't your father.

Mom, I've been

looking at his picture

every day since I was

four years old.

That birth mark

is unmistakable!

GENE:
Honey,

is everything okay?

Well, Pete is, uh,

lost touch with reality.

The man in the photos

I gave you

wasn't actually your father.

Okay, what?

What?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, he was a friend of mine

from college.

He was an English

exchange student.

He went back after graduation.

I just thought

you'd never see him.

He's not my dad?

He was studying

to be a Botanist,

for crying out loud.

He's an orphan,

and then he got colon cancer.

HELEN:
No.

(SIGHS)

I made up all those stories

about your father.

That he was an orphan,

that he came from England.

That he died of colon cancer.

Wow.

HELEN:
The truth is,

and I probably should've

told you a long time ago...

I think you should have.

I wasn't sure

who your father was.

How does that work?

Yeah, how does that work?

Well,

you've got to understand...

It was the '70s.

It was the crazy '70s.

It was disco era.

I was a young girl

living in New York.

And if you went partying

in places

like Studio 54...

And, you know, everybody

was high and f***ing

and monogamy wasn't

exactly a priority.

I mean, you just go in there

and the mood, it would...

Baby tonight

Hot stuff

Remember that?

And then,

you know, you just...

- PETER:
We get it.

- All these great people

in exactly the same situation

you were,

feeling exactly the same thing

you were in.

You would dance with them,

you know,

and then you go and you just,

you know,

you'd sleep with them.

It's true. The priority

was smoking weed and f***ing.

Well, sure, yeah.

KYLE:
Studio 54?

- How awesome is that?

- Yeah.

- (CHUCKLES)

- PETER:
Awesome?

You think this is awesome?

KYLE:

Well, it's not not awesome.

It helps to explain

my zest for love making.

I've always wondered

where I got that from.

Now we know.

I spent my whole life trying

to honor my father's memory.

And you have.

What memory?

I stare at a**holes

all day long

because of a fictional man's

colon cancer.

Pete, could you pivot

into plastic surgery

or something

less butt-related.

I mean, you're really smart,

I don't see why not.

Kyle, how are you

not freaking out right now?

Okay, that's not fair!

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