Family Weekend Page #3

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would object to sage,

the cleaning agent provided

by Mother Earth.

Well my mother's name

is Janice, not Earth,

so if you could keep your flaming

shrubs out of my office,

I'd deeply

appreciate it.

So you ever

been to Fillmore?

Uh...

Back before '70,

it was fantastic.

Me and

my girlfriend Anne

used to get stoned

out of our brains

and check out

all the great bands.

You ever

see CCR on LSD?

Janice must be so proud,

the wonderful mother

you've become.

Ma!

Are you kidding?

You're judging me?

You take that finger

and turn around

and point it

right at yourself.

There's your legacy.

You proud of that?

I don't want her

here anymore.

She takes very good care

of our children.

She feeds them nice organic,

vegetarian meals...

Well, I... I don't care.

Sam, you're not willing

or prepared to make!

Take your sage and...

Guess what.

I'm out of here.

No! Ma, wait!

I'm leaving.

Ma! Mama?

Mama?!

So, we gonna do it,

or what?

Do what?

And scene.

Hey.

Hi, Chris.

How are you?

Um, okay.

Uh...

I'm walking out that door.

You know, right now is not

a very good time.

Oh, yeah. I can... Okay.

Well, look, I...

I only came by

'cause I have this DVD of you

at the quarterfinals...

Come on!

and I just...

Wait! Mom!

No! No, let me go!

Ma! Ma!

Oh. Who do

we have here?

I don't want to be around

that women ever again!

She's the devil.

No!

Oh, hey.

Uh, yeah, I'm Chris.

Look, I... I just came by

'cause I wanted

to give this to Emily.

That's all.

A gift?

Oh, Duncan,

he brought her a gift.

You're a good boy.

Thanks.

Tell me, how long were you

breast-fed as a child?

Mom.

Uh...

Were you on the tit till you were

practically driving?

I'm sorry.

There's nothing

more nutritious

than mother's milk.

It's nature's

protein shake.

Chris?

Yeah?

Yeah. So...

you dating my daughter?

Hmm?

Tell me...

I don't...

are you one

of those A & O guys?

Dad!

Sir?

You know,

one of those cool cats

who tell their girlfriends that

anal and oral isn't real sex

so they can protect

their virginity?

Okay!

Time to go.

It's time to go, Dad.

No.

Dad, no.

What about condoms?

What about 'em?

It's never too early to start

talking about condoms!

That's enough, Dad!

You know what

I'm talking about.

Sir, I don't think...

You know what

I'm talking about

Dad, that's enough.

I'm gonna go, okay?

Okay, sounds good.

Okay.

Oh, wait! Wait!

Em, I'm sorry.

Ah, God, this DVD.

I just wanted to...

Okay, just take it, okay?

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

I'd take his balls and wrap

'em around his neck. Hah!

Statistically speaking,

I think parents

kill more teens

than drugs or even cars.

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