Ed TV Page #3

ED:

Thumbsucker!

RAY:

I'm making a tape.

ED:

We're excited.

7INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders.

ED:

So Ray met the family.

SHARI:

Yeah...

ED:

I hear the dog really liked him.

SHARI:

Oh, the whole family loved him.

Of course, they loved the last

guy I went out with, and he strung

me along for three years and dumped

me.

ED:

Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't

have any trouble with men. There

should be, like, a line behind you.

She takes Ed's beer.

SHARI:

You shouldn't drink.

They LAUGH.

8INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER

Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is

impressed.

ED:

Jesus!

Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer.

SHARI:

(continuing a previous

conversation)

And, you know, every guy I ever

broke up with, the minute it was

over, I could tell you what went

wrong, how it went wrong, why it

had to go wrong... but when I'm

in it... lost. I'm like a love

coroner. Bring me the corpse,

I'11 tell you what killed it.

But how to prevent it? Lost.

Ed LAUGHS.

ED:

Ray's on.

They walk over.

ANGLE ON RAY:

RAY:

(to camera)

Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from

Paramus, New Jersey...

9INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY

She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and

cuter than he is.

RAY (ON TAPE)

All my friends tell me "Ray, you've

got too much personality for one guy."

It's like at a party -- I'm at the

center of the attention. Everybody

loves me.

He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre.

RAY (CONT'D)

Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass.

No really, let me show you my

girlfriend. She's really cute.

He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling

to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on

it. Ray lets go.

RAY (CONT'D)

She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex

girl. She lifts those

packages. But she's not dikey at

all, she's really pretty.

CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS

WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space.

Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA.

ED:

Hello I'm Ed.

He starts to sniff.

ED (CONT'D)

What smells?

He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as

he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray.

ED (CONT'D)

What is that smell? Oop, I think

it's this idea. One person on TV all

day long?

(screams)

Are you nuts?

WE HEAR LAUGHS:

The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat

lunch out of styrofoam containers.

ED (CONT'D)

Seriously, get your resumes in

order. When my brother Ray -

whose personality you were just

dazzled by -- told me he was

going to try out for this -- I

said, "why in the world would

anyone want to be on TV all day

long, no privacy, everybody

knowing your business, exposing

every single detail of your

life I mean... why would anyone

want to do that? But then I

thought of a reason...

(loudly)

Why the hell not?

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