Dumb and Dumber Page #4

Lloyd shakes his head.

LLOYD:

I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but

let's face it, you are one pathetic

loser. No offense.

HARRY:

None taken. Were you shitcanned,

too?

LLOYD:

Of course not.

(beat)

I quit.

HARRY:

Why'd you quit?

LLOYD:

I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire

me.

HARRY:

Why didn't you wait and see if

your suspicions were well-founded?

LLOYD:

Winners control their own destiny,

Har.

Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him.

HARRY:

You know, the thing that really chaps

my ass is that I just spent my life

savings turning my van into a poodle.

(beat)

The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

LLOYD:

Big deal. That car's an old bomb

anyway.

HARRY:

What are you talking about? It's

only six years old.

LLOYD:

That's forty-two in dog years.

They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase.

HARRY:

What's with the briefcase?

LLOYD:

It's a love memento.

HARRY:

Huh?

LLOYD:

The most beautiful woman alive. Her

name was Mary. I drove her to the

airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran

high, breasts heaved. She left this

case in the terminal and flew to

Aspen and out of my life. End of

story.

HARRY:

What's in it?

LLOYD:

DO you really expect me to go

snooping around in someone else's

private property?

HARRY:

Why not?

LLOYD:

(beat)

It's locked.

They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the

parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the

PEEPHOLE.

HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door.

LLOYD:

(WHISPERING to Harry)

Friend or foe?

HARRY:

(WHISPERING)

We don't have any friends.

Harry is still squinting out the peephole.

HARRY:

Can't recognize them. Could be

student loan thugs again, or the IRS,

or maybe somebody pissed off about

that case of Girl Scout cookies you

bounced a check on.

LLOYD:

Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The

little swindlers gave me Peanut

Butter Praline.

HARRY:

Well, whoever they are, they look

serious. One of them's even wearing

plaid.

LLOYD:

(cringing)

That's a hostile pattern. I say we

bail and get down to unemployment.

Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire

escape.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE

HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE

HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.

INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.

GRABNER:

Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that

neither I nor the unemployment

department of the state of Rhose

Island can do anything for you.

(beat)

You've run out of chances. You're

unemployable. Remember last year?

Middle of winter I busted my butt to

get you both prime jobs. Twelve-

fifty an hour, and you went and blew

it!

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