Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Page #2

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And then an old white guy stepped out

of the crowd and said,

"Young man, if you're going to fill out

a police report,

I would like to come with you

and do the same."

I said, "You guys would do that for me?"

And the whole crowd said, "Hooray!"

I said, "Come on, y'all!"

I looked like Malcolm X

going to see Brother Johnson

with a trail of white people.

Unreal. An hour later,

we were all sitting in the police station,

and the police came in.

They were like, "Well, Mr. Chappelle...

sixteen identical police reports.

We ran the tags. Two young men

that had their mother's car.

We have all four suspects in holding,

and the mother is here.

It's up to you. Whatever you want to do.

If you want to press charges,

we'll move forward.

Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?"

"Huh?

Sorry about that, Officer.

I'm a little flustered.

I've never been in a position

where I could decide the fate

of white children before.

But...

it's weighing heavy on me, sir.

And I really can't decide."

And I saw a lady pacing back and forth

in the hallway,

and I said, "Is that--"

He goes, "Yes, that's their mother."

"Can I speak to her

before I make a decision?"

And when the mom came in

and she saw it was me,

she busted out crying.

"Oh, God. Oh, no.

I don't want him to go to jail.

I am so sorry.

I didn't raise him to do this.

We love your comedy.

We love you at the house."

I said, "Miss, please, just--

All right, look.

I don't necessarily want your son

to go to jail, either.

But what he did was pretty f***ed up.

So, is there something we can do,

short of jail,

just to let him know that he's wrong?"

She said, "I don't know.

What did you have in mind?"

"Miss, I've never been

in this position before.

Oh, you know what we could do?

I don't know if I'm asking too much.

But maybe if you--

if you could just...

suck my dick a little bit.

Just a little bit.

I'm not gonna finish.

I just want you to do it enough

so that I can tell him you did it."

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I wouldn't do that to anybody's mother.

Maybe my kid's mom, but that's it.

Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit.

Killed that man in Dallas.

Five days, that man melted to death.

What happened to the brother in Dallas?

"Where was the secret serum?"

is what we all said.

I remember in the beginning of Ebola,

there were two American doctors

that got sick in Africa.

They flew them in a private jet straight

to Atlanta, to the CDC.

I didn't even know CDC saw patients.

There it was said they administered

what The New York Times called

"a secret serum."

I don't know what's in it.

It's just like Colonel Sanders' recipe.

But both of these motherfuckers survived.

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