Deathgasm

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- You know that evil

Heavy Metal

that your parents hate

you listening to?

You know those lyrics

about hell and doom,

demons ripping you

new orifices to sh*t out of?

What if I told you

it's all reel?

I know...

I was there.

- But wait.

Lets start at the beginning.

It all started in Greypoint,

the middle of ass-f*** nowhere.

I had to shift here

after my mum

went on a massive meth bender,

and tried to suck off

a Santa Claus

in a crowded mall.

Mum got sent to a mental ward

and I got stuck with my uncle.

- My Uncle Albert

was balls deep into Jesus.

He thought Ricky Martin

was heavy.

He heard me cranking some

Disembowel/ed Corpse,

and he hasn't slept for days.

I brought about

the end of the world.

Biggest dick move ever.

- Stop struggling.

- Ow.

- It won't fit.

- Ow. Ow.

- Get up there. Oh...

- This is Dion.

- And that is probably the

least embarrassing orifice

that dice has been shoved into.

- Wait...

Yes, it's in!

- And this

is my d*ckhead cousin.

- Hey, David...

- He's hospitalized

more nerds than asthma.

- I saw Uncle Albert washing

your sheets this morning.

You sh*t the bed or something?

- F***in' devil-worshiper.

I can't wait until my dad

kicks you out on the streets

and you've got to blow

truck drivers for food

like your psycho mum.

His Mum is a psycho.

- Ow.

- You all right, man?

Here's your dice.

- It's actually a die.

Dice is plural.

Um, and it's a D10. But...

- Thanks.

- Jesus.

Who's that?

- Oh, Medina Darcy.

- Number one cause

of awkward boners in Greypoint.

- Ahhh... no, dude.

- What do you mean "no"?

- No way are you tapping that.

Chicks like that, they don't

go out with metalheads,

they bang apes

like your cousin.

Forget her, man.

At lunchtime,

do you want to do something

completely badass?

And that's...

...eight points

of non-lethal damage.

Exceeds your HP;

your cleric is unconscious.

- No f***ing way.

How is it still breathing?

I cast a fireball.

- You cast it at a Fire Troll.

It's immune to fire.

- This is bullshit.

- Well, that's Giles.

He was once suspended

for violating the

CPR training dummy.

- I'm the DM, Giles.

What I say goes, okay?

I am the law.

- Yeah, this is

your problem, Dion.

- Okay, yeah.

- This is why no woman

will - will talk to you.

- Hey, do you know what?

A whole family of goblins

has just amassed around

your dead body.

And one of them

is humping your foot.

How do you like that?

- How - how...

Metal is the way

- Ah!

Hey.

- F***in' nerds.

- Oh Jesus.

It's piss.

- They - they sprayed us

with piss.

Again!

- Oh, the Player's Guide

is totally ruined.

- My friends are losers,

my uncle keeps trying

to christen me in my sleep,

and I'm drenched in my

cousin's bodily fluids.

- X minus one...

X plus one...

Good work, Brodie.

Nice technique.

Great shading on the

demon penises.

Ah.

Ha, is that me

having hot pokers

stuffed up my rectum

by skeletons?

- Yes, sir.

- Mmm.

Nice likeness.

Very detailed.

Two weeks detention.

- Silence!

- So, that's me, Brodie.

- Thus, X 6, X 5...

- F*** my life.

- F***ing late again.

Oh, Christ, it's my

Satanist cousin Brodie.

Look at that ugly loner.

I'm gonna make his life

hell on earth.

- Wow.

That's really cool, David.

Can you please

take me home now?

- I thought we'd take

a drive or something.

- Okay,

It's hard to believe,

but talking about bullying

isn't really a turn on.

- There was only one

cool thing about Greypoint...

Alien Records.

Byron sold the sickest vinyl,

while his psychic girlfriend,

Abigail,

told fortunes to

bored housewives

- Welcome to Alien Records.

How are things, kid?

- Things are shitty.

- Check it out.

- Oh, Haxan Sword?

Epic.

- Yeah, man.

It's only one of

666 ever printed;

numbered in blood

by Rikki Daggers himself.

Metal vinyl is over there

by that kid.

- F***, yes.

Now that's a record, man.

- Yeah.

I've actually been after

that one for a while.

I'm Brodie, by the way.

- Zakk.

- After I met Zakk,

my life changed.

- My mother was gonna

call me "Storm," though.

- Rad.

- I know.

- He was a

tornado of chaos,

leaving, ah,

a trail of destruction

and teen pregnancies

in his wake.

- Zakk got expelled after

stabbing a kid

with a math compass

because he stepped on his

King Diamond tape.

Or was it a setsquare?

He used to help his

Dad at the car workshop.

But mainly he just stole

anything not bolted on

and then unbolted the rest.

- Yeah. F*** you too, Bono.

- Hey man...

...you want to do

something crazy?

- It's not role-playing is it'?

- What the f***

is role-playing?

- Zakk played bass

so we started a band.

- Hey.

This is, ah, Giles and Dion.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Right, first things first.

What are we called?

- Um... Murder Boner?

- Toothed Vagina.

- Oh, Maggot Sperm.

- Cannibal Unicorn.

- How about like,

thirteen S's.

You know, like...

- Got it. Got it.

DEATHGASM.

All spelled in capitals.

Lower case is for pussies.

- Cool. What about...

- I f***in' said...

DEATHGASM!

- Solo!

F***in' shred it!

- Dude, I thought you said

you could play.

- Sorry.

Ah... I can. I can.

I'm just - I'm -

I'm just rusty.

All right. From the top.

- What?

Just mixing it up.

- Where are we going?

- It's a surprise.

- What's the hell is that for?

- Dude, chill out.

It's fine.

- All right.

You stay here.

You're lookout.

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