Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #2

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CAN YOU IMAGINE:

IF THEY HAD A CHILD?

AHH:

WAS THAT SIMBA?

WHAT THE [bleep]?

WAS THAT SIMBA?

THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD

THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

PICTURE BABY JESUS

WITH BETTER ABS.

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

IF THEY HAD:

A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK

THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,

PROPPED UP.

HE CAN'T STAND YET.

JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

BIG POSTER,

BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

JUST STANDING:

IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

AND YOU'D WALK IN,

AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

BUT I WANT TO [bleep]

THAT BABY."

OH, MAN!

DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!

IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE

TO [bleep] THAT BABY

AND ONE WOULD BE

FOR MORE WISHES.

"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABY

A THIRD TIME.

I WOULD LIKE TO USE

ALL THREE WISHES

BANGING THAT BABY.

GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,

BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

THAT DOESN'T HAVE

A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

OH, I'D LOVE TO READ

YOUR EMAIL.

"I FELT YOU WEN OVER THE LINE A BI "WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY

WANTED TO FORNICATE

WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- HEADS UP, MORMONS,

THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.

[laughter]

NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS

FROM THE HEAVENS,

GO AHEAD AND PUT I IN YOUR SPAM FILE.

LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

ON A RELIGION:

THAT'S OLD ENOUGH

FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,

"OH, YEAH.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY

THEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS

"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.

I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM

TO BE COMFY."

THE MORMON CHURCH SPEN $20 MILLION

LAST YEAR IN THE STATE

OF CALIFORNIA:

MAKING SURE QUEERS

DIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED--

SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.

SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERAL

AS WE ALL THOUGHT.

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY

TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON

THAT'S SO TERRIFIED

OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.

JUST BECAUSE THE STATE

SAYS IT'S LEGAL,

IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNA

LET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.

OKAY?

SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND

EVERY NIGH KNOWING THA GOAL LINE DEFENSE

IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES

JUST GOING,

"YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE NOT GETTING

IN HERE, [bleep]!"

[grunts]

[laughter and applause]

DO YOU REMEMBER:

THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?

IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME

RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,

UH, AND, UH,

SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID

WHEN I GET OLDER

I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS

IF I WANT TO."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"

[laughter]

AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

IS LIKE,

"WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

TALK TO OUR KIDS?

SORRY, QUEERS.

NOPE."

YEAH.

THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.

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