Crazy Famous Page #2

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QUITE MESSY,

NOT TO MENTION PRETTY PAINFUL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OU LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

[CHUCKLES]

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE.

THREE FAILED ATTEMPTS,

TO BE EXACT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

I'M HANNAH RENNER,

BY THE WAY.

UH, BOB.

YOU'RE A PALINDROME?

TALK ABOUT KARMA.

MY NAME'S ACTU...

ACTUALLY ROBERT.

[SIGHS]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

LOOKS LIKE WE GO A LITTLE SUICIDE WATCH, HUH?

LET ME GUESS. YOU F***ED

A GOAT AT A PETTING ZOO.

NO?

MAYBE YOU TOOK A PISS

IN A BATHROOM SINK

AT A 5-STAR RESTAURANT?

OH.

YOU'RE ONE OF

THOSE CONVENTIONAL TYPES.

YEAH, YOU PROBABLY LOOKED

IN THE MIRROR:

AND DECIDED THAT CHUGGING

A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS

WAS THE BEST OPTION, RIGHT?

I... I JUST WANNA BE FAMOUS.

FAMOUS?

[CHUCKLES]

WELL, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY,

REAL GOOD COMPANY.

SHAKE HANDS...

HA HA HA...

WITH POPULAR TV PERSONALITY

AND WORLD RENOWNED PSYCHOLOGIST,

DR. PHIL.

[IN DR. PHIL'S ACCENT]

YOU HAVE OCD?

PTSD?

OCPD?

- ADHD?

- THAT'S ENOUGH!

HE'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE

WITH ALL OF HIS ISSUES.

WHAT'S... WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

WHO, ME?

WELL, THEY SAY THAT I GO ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES,

BUT I DON'T SEE IT.

THEN AGAIN,

THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

WHERE I TOLD THIS DOCTOR

THAT I WOULD SHANK HIS FACE

AND EAT HIS BRAINS

WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE.

HE HAS IED, INTERMITTEN EXPLOSIVE DISORDER.

- I DO NOT.

- DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT.

- DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT!

- DO, TOO, LARRY.

- STAY THE F*** AWAY FROM ME!

- PHIL!

CONTROL YOURSELF.

THESE F***ERS ARE ALWAYS TRYING

TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW?

PATIENT USES FOOD AND ANGER

TO COPE WITH HIS AVOIDANCE

IF HIS INSECURITY ISSUES.

[DEEP BREATHES]

YOU THINK I'M LIKE

EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HERE.

BARKS AT THE MOON.

WELL, I'M NOT,

YOU HIGH-AND-MIGHTY A**HOLE.

BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING

THE ANTI-SUICIDE SMOCK, NOT ME.

LISTEN, KID.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS EASY.

YOU'RE AVERAGE.

YOU'RE LIKE VANILLA

IN AN ICE CREAM SHOP.

THE ONLY CHANCES YOU HAVE

OF BECOMING FAMOUS

IS RUNNING THROUGH

A FIELD DURING THE SUPER BOWL,

RUNNING TO THE 50-YARD LINE,

AND PUTTING GASOLINE

ALL OVER YOURSELF

AND LIGHTING YOUR F***ING ASS

ON FIRE.

IN THE NEWS,

WORLD RENOWNED UROLOGIS AHMED ABIN HABIDI

RECENTLY RELOCATED

FROM THE MIDDLE EAS TO A RESEARCH FACILITY

IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

TO WORK ON:

A UROLOGICAL INNOVATION

KNOWN AS THE BLADDER PROJECT.

- HE'LL BE IN THIS FACILITY FOR THE NEXT...

- THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

WHO'S HE?

HE'S THE CRAZIEST DUDE

IN THE INSTITUTION.

HE'S GOT THIS WHOLE

EURO-FLASH THING.

HE THINKS HE'S JASON BOURNE

OR ETHAN HUNT.

DOESN'T TALK TO ANYBODY.

JUST MUMBLES ABOUT CONSPIRACIES

AND BIN LADEN:

AND SOME COCKAMAMIE BULLSHIT.

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