Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #2

And they've got new pants on,

and you go,

"Oh, those are nice,

new pants."

They'll go,

"oh, thanks very much."

But if you go, "whoa!

Great f***ing pants!"

They're like, "i know!

Aren't they?

"Man! I saw them

in the store!

I was just like, 'f***'!"

I understand

you gotta be appropriate.

You can't walk up to the pope

and say,

"Great f***in' pants,

your holiness."

You couldn't do that.

Well, that doesn't

work anyway,

'Cause, well, the pope

doesn't wear pants.

He wears that big dress.

He wears these...

he's got a big ol' dress.

And the...and the hat.

Actually, two hats.

He's got the big hat

and then the little hat

For windy days.

"Hey, what's

the weather like today?"

"It's a little bit

windy, pope."

"Okay, i'll wear

the little hat."

I'll get to this joke

in a minute,

But you see, the...

Do you know the pope...

this is true.

I will get to the joke.

But you know the pope actually

has special slippers

Designed for him by the italian

fashion designer prada.

This is true...they make 'em

just for the pope.

It's not like you can

go and buy a line of them.

You can't go

to the gap and go,

"Give me some pope slippers."

It's just for the pope.

And they've got, you know,

special designs

And a little crest

and writing on them and stuff

That says p.O. On one

and p.E. On the other.

"Ah, read-A my slippers here.

I'm-A the pope."

"And-A my name is-A pepo."

i'm-A pepo,

i'm-A the pope

i'm pepo, i'm-A the pope

All right, you're right,

you're right.

You're right.

That's too much.

Lay off.

You can go too far, craig.

You're right.

Anyway the pope...the pope

doesn't talk like that.

He's not even italian

anymore, the pope.

He's german.

Yeah!

So he doesn't...

he wouldn't talk like that.

He would...he would be

more kind of,

"As you are no doubt aware,

I am the pope."

"Observe my slippers."

"My name is pepo."

"I realize this is an unusual

name for a german,

"But...

"My family was in the circus.

So shut up, all right?"

All right.

You're right.

I won't do the pope.

That's ridiculous.

What i'm saying is,

i'm not allowed to cuss.

I can't cuss, you know,

on tv,

And i'm not allowed to cuss

at home, either.

I can't cuss at home.

'Cause i've got

a 91/2-Year-Old son.

And for some reason

not connected to his dna,

He seems to be an attack dog

for the f***in' fcc!

He does! He follows me around

with that little jar of his.

"You said the f-Word, daddy.

Nickel in the jar."

I'm like, "f*** you!"

He's like, "nickel in the jar."

"F*** you!"

"Nickel in the jar."

Like, "who in the f***

are you?"

"Nickel in the jar, daddy!"

I just pay him in advance now.

I'm like,

"son, there's 20 bucks.

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