Confetti

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My name is Antoni Clarke,

and I am a bride's best friend.

I'm not gay.

Now, I own "Confetti" magazine,

but Vivien is the editor,

and she's really

the backbone of the publication.

She does all the day-to-day work, if you like.

This will be the event of the year. We have

to really go for it as the event of the year.

It's immense, because our reputation

is hanging on a thread if we fail in this.

It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon.

Three weddings. It's easy.

All you have to do is hold up a card

and say, "Ten out of ten," or, "Nil points."

We were going to do

another Bride of the Year competition,

but we thought that would just end up being

given to a woman in a white dress again.

So we thought we'd do

The Most Original Wedding as an idea.

We're giving away a house

to the couple with the most original wedding.

Not everyone

wants to get married in a crazy way.

Not everyone wants their special day

ruined by a gimmick. But some people do.

Pitch us your vision

of the most original wedding.

OK. Well, erm, we're really

into dinosaurs, raptors, actually.

- It's a dinosaur themed wedding?

- Absolutely. We want it in a cave, first of all.

- Thanks so much for coming.

- Already? So soon?

I don't want to waste your time.

Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.

All the guys are going to be dressed

as Elvis Presley.

And the girls will be dressed as teddy girls.

- Do you think it's been done before?

- No.

Right. Next.

Vivien, am I going to be

meeting more mental people today?

We're going to get married

following the Daffodil Route round Wales.

It's a train route, it starts at Cardiff...

I appreciate you want to win a house,

it's not gonna happen.

Good three changes

on the way here.

You f***ing loved it, didn't you?

You love the train.

You know, she was tremendously pretty.

We could partner her up with somebody else.

Well, what we had in mind

was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.

Great!

It starts with the sacrifice of a pig

at the bride's house.

F*** me.

But maybe with some hairstyle around it,

and prescription lens.

Oh... Next.

Get out.

If we were producing a sort of

updated version of The Joy of Sex,

you two would be perfect.

Naturists, or "The Joy of Sex"?

The Joy of Sex are better-looking,

but the naturists...

Well, it's more... It's more Confetti.

Well, I don't want them at all.

I'd rather have the Romans.

That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.

Our submission was accepted,

and our submission, by the way,

we should probably say, is musicals.

- A musical wedding.

- Hollywood musicals.

That's what we're going for.

The idea that we picked is,

it's in the style of the sort of Busby Berkeley,

so it's a big kind of production number.

We're having the sort of bridesmaids

as the chorus girls.

You know, they have the sweeping kind

of staircase of bridesmaids in those films,

and Jen, my sister, obviously,

she'll be bridesmaid of honor, won't she?

- Absolutely.

- She's away at the moment.

She's a dancer.

She's in Bahrain with a cruise.

She travels around a lot,

we don't always know where she is.

Erm, I work in a care home for the elderly.

Sam comes along sometimes and helps out.

She sings for them, lovely.

I'm slightly tone-deaf, but Matt's always said

if I wasn't tone-deaf,

I'd have a very good voice.

- Yeah, I think that's true.

- So, you know, I enjoy it.

It's all confidence, that's all it is.

A lot of it is confidence.

Well, the vision for our wedding

is quite simple. Tennis.

Tennis.

Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef.

I mean, we are gonna win.

If you're listening, losers,

the other people in the competition,

give it up.

- Stop.

- Stop now, cos we're gonna win.

It's not about how good our wedding is,

it's about can we do anything to make theirs...

That's what you do in tennis. You look at

someone's game, and you have to destroy it.

Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...

- We have a coach.

- He's, uh...

Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.

My inner game has gone at the moment,

he's working on that with me.

So in the court, that's what we're working on.

- He's very interested in getting inside you.

- He's fantastic at it.

- Well, I'm Michael, this is Joanna.

- Joanna.

And, er, yeah,

I've been a naturist all my life.

Joanna's... Oh.

And Joanna's quite new to it, really. Um...

I'm a beginner.

Summerland. It's the oldest

naturist camp in the country.

Mum and Dad lived here,

and they were naturists.

Well, my dad was a policeman,

my mum worked as a legal secretary.

And they do think...

They do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.

It's not a cult.

It's not a cult.

- I mean, we are all naked, apart from clothes.

- All the time.

And when you take the clothes off,

it's more obvious.

I know I'm... For this film, I'm supposed

to sit like this so you can't see my penis,

but, you know, I'm looking at my penis now,

and it seems absolutely fine to me.

Now, the auditions we had, I was very

excited about it, but I'm not particularly now.

One is a potential idea,

perhaps, the musical couple.

No, no, no, we're going back

to singing out of tune again, dear.

The tennis couple maybe could work.

But the girl,

she has the most extraordinary nostrils.

I mean, I can't take my eyes off them.

If you put that on a front cover, the nation

won't be able to take their eyes off them.

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