Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #3
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2011
- 90 min
- 533 Views
like the character
he plays on TMZ.
And people say,
"Oh, he's crazy,"
you know, just because he likes
beautiful women
to come to his house, have sex
with him, and then leave.
What a nut.
First time I hung out
with Charlie
was at his house
after the super bowl.
Bunch of hot chicks
showed up, and...
I looked up, I saw
my old girlfriend, and...
Charlie put his arm around me
and said, "Pick a hooker."
First time in my life I cried
and came at the same time.
No, it wasn't.
And now a joke.
How much blow
Enough to kill
Two and a Half Men.
I'm kidding.
The man is misunderstood.
Eight-balls of hern--
bad for you?
Or as Charlie sees it,
the most important
meal of the day.
Now, sure, things
He was all mixed up.
But he knew it was time
to get straight
when he put
his dick in his coke
and his razor in his hooker.
And did you know Charlie's--
according to the Torah,
he's Jewish?
And not because
his mother's a Jew,
$50 million
and he still sued the network.
Now, listen,
despite what you read,
Charlie's still close
to all of his exes.
Why, well, just recently,
he took Brooke Mueller
to Mexico...
Where he banged her ass so hard
three balloons of coke
fell out.
But Charlie's a gentleman.
He put them back in.
Picture it!
Thank you.
Coming up, Kate Walsh...
Oh, Charlie, wait till you see
what the doctor's got in order.
Mike Tyson, Amy Schumer,
Jeff Ross...
The real Gaddafi
nostrils right now.
- Steve-O.
- Yeah.
Anthony Jeselnik...
[Bleep] off.
William Shatner,
Patrice O'Neal,
and Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, as you put it best,
it's just words.
All right.
Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.
Why are you here?
Let me say that it is a thrill
to be around the hottest,
sexiest woman of 2002.
Let's give a big round
of meno-plause
for the beautiful
and talented Kate Walsh.
Seth MacFarlane,
the only difference between you
and the hooker Charlie
locked in the closet
is that the hooker
eventually came out.
After years of playing
a doctor on Grey's Anatomy
and Private Practice,
people actually think
I'm a real doctor,
so I figured, "[Bleep] it.
some professional diagnoses
For instance, Jeff Ross,
your results have come back,
and I'm going
to tell you something
that you have never heard
about any of your TV pilots.
You tested positive.
Congratulations, Jeff.
And, Jeff, listen,
I know you're concerned
about your complexion,
but you have to stop
letting Mike Tyson
[bleep] all over your face.
He looks good.
I like the way he looks.
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"Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/comedy_central_roast_of_charlie_sheen_5797>.
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