Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #2

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[gospel organ playing]

We're going to talk about

second chances and third chances

and 15th chances.

Sometimes it can be

hard to believe,

but I'm not asking you all

to believe.

I'm asking you to "beliebe."

Yes, yes.

I'm asking you

to "beliebe" in a man

with the voice

of Stevie Wonder

and the driving skills

of Stevie Wonder.

My question to the church is,

"Are you ready to beliebe?"

[cheers and applause]

No.

No, no, no.

I'll ask again.

I said,

"Are you ready to beliebe?"

[crowd cheering]

Are you ready

to become Beliebers?

[crowd cheering]

Then, ladies and gentlemen,

Justin Bieber.

[gospel music]

(all) Got to Beliebe

(Kevin) Yeah.

Got to Beliebe

He's gonna make a Belieber

A Belieber out of me

- Yes!

When you Beliebe

When you Beliebe

You will be down, way down,

on your bendin' knee

I'm gonna be a Belieber

Till the day I die

(Kevin) Yeah.

Shout "I beliebe"

from the mountain high

(Kevin) Hey.

Got to Beliebe.

(Kevin) Hey.

Got to Beliebe

He's gonna make a Belieber

A Belieber out of me

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

We killed the white boy.

The white--

Watch out. Watch out!

Let me through.

Jesus, no.

(woman)

Oh!

(Kevin)

Not like this.

Wait, wait.

He's moving! He's moving!

[all cheering]

[gospel music]

(all)

He's still alive,

We thought he died

You can't kill Justin Bieber

no matter what you try

It's time to go

on with the show

But you got to--

Got to Belie-e-ebe

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah, oh.

Justin Bieber, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

(Kevin)

Nice. How you doing?

(Kevin) You're good?

- Yep.

That's good.

I'm glad that you're good.

- All right.

- Here's the thing.

Before we get off

to any roasting and any digging,

I want everybody

to understand this,

Justin Bieber really does

have it all.

I'm serious.

He has a dick and a p*ssy.

Justin, stand up.

Pop that thing one time.

Show 'em. Give 'em

that hermaphrodite twerk

one time.

I've seen it.

No? No?

Let's be honest.

Justin, you made a few mistakes.

You're not perfect.

He's done some things.

Dude, you got caught peeing

on a video in a mop bucket.

Why are these idiots

who work for you

taping you pissing?

That's what I don't understand.

Like, when someone's

filming you taking a piss,

if you don't want them

to tape you,

you turn around, you say,

"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"

unless it's mandatory

like Snoop pissing

in front of his parole officer.

That's different, Snoop.

That guy's got to see

your dick.

I get it.

Don't worry about it.

That's a criminal joke to Snoop

'cause he's been to jail.

You were on the cover

of Men's Health.

He's getting

a lot of slack

for taking his shirt off

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