Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #3

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all the time.

I don't get it.

I don't understand that.

Justin, let me

tell you something, man.

Okay, if you can take

your shirt off, you do it.

You do it as much

as you Goddamn can.

Seriously.

Look at Shaq--Shaq--

Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off

since high school, okay?

That's a true story.

That's a true story right there.

Jeff Ross hasn't taken

his shirt off since preschool.

True story.

Martha Stewart had her shirt off

in my dressing room.

Stop, stop, stop.

Don't get the wrong idea.

She just wanted me

to titty f*** her!

Yeah!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Stop.

I'm just trying

to loosen y'all up.

I'm sorry.

Martha, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Is that gonna affect me getting

free sheets after this, Martha?

Please.

I messed up my chance

of getting free sheets,

Goddamn it, Kevin.

Me personally, I'm not mad.

I'm not mad at Justin.

I'm not.

I'm gonna tell you

who I'm mad at.

I'm mad at his manager.

You, Scooter.

That's right.

Scooter Braun right there.

Scooter is the man that actually

discovered Justin Bieber.

Scooter Braun was

25 years old.

He was a single man

living in Atlanta alone

when he found Justin Bieber

on the Internet

in the middle of the night.

The middle of the night!

He found a little white boy

with nice hair on the Internet.

Sounds to me like Scooter was

fresh off a dick-beating session

if you ask me.

Now, I don't know

where Chris Hansen is,

but he missed one.

That's a Goddamn predator

if I've ever seen one

right there.

Now, Justin, unfortunately,

Selena Gomez,

she couldn't be here tonight.

[audience "awws"]

No, she couldn't.

She couldn't...

Just because

she didn't want to come.

There's no reason.

She just didn't want to--

She didn't want to be here.

I wish I had something better

to tell you, but I don't.

No, Selena got word

that there was rumors

of Justin dealing

with Kendall Jenner,

and that shocked me.

I was like, "What the f***?"

That's what I said.

"What the f***?"

I was like, "If you're gonna

deal with a Jenner,

I thought it would be Bruce."

That's what I thought.

If it was--

Just one. I'm sorry.

That's the only one.

I swear to God, guys,

no more.

It's no secret that Justin

wants to be black.

Can we all agree on that?

Justin loves the black culture.

Everybody knows that.

My thing is this,

Justin, I just want you

to come to terms with the fact

that you're not gangster.

That's Justin's

main problem, man.

You're not a gangster!

Accept that.

I mean, come on.

Orlando Bloom took a swing

at you.

That's not gangster, Justin.

It's not!

He's got a perfume

called "Girlfriend."

That's not gangster, Justin.

You threw eggs at a house.

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