Chris Tucker Live Page #2

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Nothin' out there.

You got somebody that's half good,

try to fix 'em!

If they got small problems, not big ones.

Those small ones,

you can try to work with 'em.

[audience applauds]

And treat 'em right.

Fellas, surprise your wife!

Surprise your wife.

Don't be doin'

the same thing all the time.

Buy her roses and sunflowers

and even sunflower seeds.

Whatever you can afford,

I don't care.

"Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow.

They'll grow one day.

You can eat 'em, too, baby."

She'll go,

"Lordy, that's so cute. He's so cute."

When I get married,

I want my wife to have a sense of humor,

'cause I'm-a surprise her. She ain't

gonna know what the hell I'm-a do.

She gonna be scared.

She ain't gonna know when I'm-a come home.

She gonna always be cookin'

and be like, "Chris, that you?

I'm cookin' now.

Don't let me mess up this food!

He's so crazy."

I'm gonna come home,

she won't know what--

I'm-a come home with a gun

and a mask, through the window.

"Get on the ground!

Get on the ground!

Whatcha doin'?

Whatcha cookin'?"

[screams]

"Who are you?"

"Baby, it's me.

It's me, baby. It's me."

[audience laughing]

"You're so crazy!

I didn't know who you were, fool.

[kisses]

You're so stupid!

Why you had to break the window, Chris?

That's the third window.

So stupid.

You better not have

messed up my roses outside.

I love your crazy ass.

You make me sick.

[kisses] So stupid.

You're always surprisin' me.

Chris!"

I'll be like,

"I know you didn't know who I was.

Yeah, you didn't know who I was.

You scared? Why you scared?

You was scared. I know you're scared.

You were reaching for the phone,

weren't you? Callin' the cops?"

Don't stop right there, fellas!

Go up to her job.

Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job.

Gun and a mask. Go in and...

"Get on the desk! Get on the desk!

Get on the desk!

You ain't workin'.

You ain't workin'. You ain't workin'."

"What are you doing, Chris?

This is my job!

You goin' to make me lose my job!

You're so crazy.

[moans] You're so stupid.

I love you.

Your crazy ass.

You're so stupid!

[kisses] Get outta here.

I'll see you when I get home.

[whispers] Get out of here!

Get out of here!"

"I love you, baby.

I love you.

See you when you get home."

[audience laughing]

Be careful, guys.

Don't play too much.

One time she gonna come home

and fool you.

She'll come home like,

"You don't have no business

playin' like that in the park."

[stammers]

[audience laughing]

"What the hell you talkin' about?

I was at work today."

-"You weren't in the park?"

-"Hell, no! You know I had to work!

And why didn't you call the cops?

God damn, baby!"

"It's your fault! You play too much.

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