Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #2

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but similar sort of thing,

and this guy was nearly in tears,

not a competitor - a judge,

just cos this pastry hadn't

worked out as well as hoped,

he was saying to have pastry,

filo pastry as crumbly as that,

is a crime.

Yeah, exactly, I couldn't help

thinking "Not technically, though."

I mean, you'd certainly be

surprised in jail to meet someone,

"Killed my mother-in-law,

mowed down three passers-by, you?"

"Very flaky pastry,

I just, it was all over."

"Get away from me, you animal!"

It's, I'm slightly sort of dazed,

I've just come back,

this is true,

this might sound like a set up,

but I've just been to the Euros,

I've just come back from Ukraine,

so it was quite fun, I do recommend

going, if you're a sports fan,

but it's odd,

there's a lot of regression,

I'm a football fan,

I'm not an aggressive person,

a lot of England fans were already

angry, hadn't even started yet.

I was next to this guy

that was going, "Why can't we...

"We invented the game," this was his

thing all through the game,

"This is a disgrace,

we invented the game!

"Can't even win the World Cup!"

That's not really

a good attitude to have,

cos we invented

a lot of things in this country,

but other countries

will catch up in the end,

we invented the sandwich,

but, inevitably, other countries

will get there in the end.

You don't go to Holland and

find people with bread in one hand,

ham in the other.

"Well, I'm buggered if we know

where we go from here!"

"Shove the whole thing in my ears

and we'll hope for the best."

We invented the flushing toilet

but you don't go abroad

and find people shitting

by the side of the road...

Well, France, maybe, anyway I, erm...

Thank you, you're going to have

a really good night,

thanks for this,

my name is Mark Watson, bye!

'Please welcome Marlon Davis!'

Yes, good evening!

Ooh, well, yes.

First and foremost,

what you can actually see

is that I got this face.

People are laughing!

I tell people I do comedy,

they're like, "I can tell."

"What you mean by that?"

"You got a funny face."

That's not a compliment at all,

is it?

It's not. I'm aware of what

kind of face that I have,

it's a friendly face.

Yeah, it isn't the face of authority.

I couldn't be your boss at work

like, "Why you late?"

"Come on, now..."

Got a round face.

I'm aware of it,

d'you know what I mean?

As well as having this face,

I got this voice as well.

Yeah, it means I'm not intimidating

whatsoever. Look at this,

you got a front row down here,

no-one's scared of me whatsoever.

I'm a comedian, I got a microphone

in my hand, no-one cares.

This is how it is. I grew up

in the ghetto, I couldn't rob no-one.

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