Chatterbox Live Page #2

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you were in it, what would you hit them with?

- Have you thought this through?

- Not so much.

No? Well, let's have a think now.

If you're like...

We've got to fix her.

If you're, like, in the living room,

for example,

is there something to hand

that you could clobber somebody with?

- Remote control.

- A remote control, you see.

Multipurpose. "I can watch whatever telly

I like and I can f***ing hit somebody. "

I asked a lady recently

and she didn't know either.

And I said, "What's normally to hand?"

And she went... "Empty bottles. "

I said, "I don't even think you'd notice

if somebody broke in!"

"I don't care who you are,

shut the door on your way out,

"cos I can feel a f***ing draught. "

My friend's got a rounders bat

down the side of her bed.

Er... I mean for protection. Whoa.

But she's been told that that's not allowed,

it's classed as an offensive weapon.

She's allowed to have a rounders bat

down the side of her bed

if it's accompanied by something

it would normally accompany.

So now she's got a rounders bat

and a rounders ball as well.

And I'm the same cos I've got

a massive knife and a massive fork.

So if somebody breaks in

with a big lump of steak, I'm champion.

But I live in a flat as well,

and the flat opposite mine has been empty

the whole time that I've lived there, so

I just never bothered getting any curtains.

And I regularly wander around in just my

knickers, cos I'm 35 and I don't give a sh*t.

And a friend came around

for a cup of tea and she said,

"Have you noticed some young lads

have just moved into the flat opposite?"

I said, "I hadn't noticed. " She said, "Don't

you think it's time you got some curtains?"

As far as I'm concerned,

if some young lads are looking at me

wandering around in my knickers,

I'm still the winner.

Just wonder how long it's going to be

before they get f***ing curtains.

Look at me.

Shoop!

Please.

But I think I'd quite like

an animal at home.

I think that would make the place feel

a little bit more sort of cozy.

Give us a cheer if you've got a pet at home.

See, I'd quite like a cat.

If I could have any animal,

I'd probably have a cat.

But I can't have a cat cos my boyfriend's

allergic to cats, so I can't have one.

- Dump him.

- Well, precisely, flower.

We'll split up and that'll sort it out.

Most people don't have something to look

forward to at the end of a relationship.

"I can't wait till he starts

f***ing other women.

"I'm off to the pet shop. F*** you!"

But if I did get an animal,

I'd have to be careful

cos whenever I had animals as a child,

I always loved them

a little bit too much.

There's a name for people like me.

It's Hamster Squeezer.

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