Charlie Bartlett Page #2

how many times I get my ears pierced?

The squad doesn't care.

Whitney, I think you should get

your na-na pierced.

That's gross, you 'tard.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Come on.

-Hi, Charlie.

-Hey, Len.

Len, you want to join me?

Thank you, Charlie.

I got peas and carrots.

-CHARLlE:
I love peas and carrots.

-Me, too.

(HUMMlNG)

When, Caius, Rome is thine,

thou art poorest of all,

then shortly art thou mine.

And scene.

Thank you. That was stunning.

(GlGGLES)

Charlie Bartlett.

So, which one of Shakespeare's works

will you be performing for us?

Actually, I thought I'd do a monologue

from Cordiroy Seville's masterpiece,

Misadventures of a Teenage Renegade,

(CLEARS THROAT)

(lMlTATlNG GlRL'S VOlCE)

I guess I should tell you

about the first time I had my period.

My daddy was driving me back

from summer camp

and I turned to him and I said,

"Daddy, I think I'm sloughing."

And he said, "That's nice, honey."

And I realized that he had,

Iike, no idea just what "sloughing" meant.

So I explained to him that it meant

blood was gushing

from my you-know-where.

And he nearly wrecked the car

trying to hand me

a wad of fast-food napkins,

which is not something that you

particularly want to stick up your hooch.

Great. Thank you.

I wasn't quite finished, actually.

No. That'll do. Thank you, Charlie.

(STlFLlNG LAUGHTER)

(GROANS)

I'm gonna f*** you up.

-You getting this?

-Yeah. I'm getting it.

(GRUNTS)

-Yeah! F*** him up, Murph!

-How does that feel?

I don't care. You know why?

Because that was a rhetorical question.

(GROANlNG)

Hey, Charlie, what's Latin for,

"I'm a total p*ssy"?

Let's get out of here.

-MARlLYN:
Charlie, how'd it go?

-Stellar.

Did you make any friends?

(SlGHlNG)

Okay, you can forget about

school tomorrow.

I'm calling Dr. Weathers.

Now, your mom tells me that you've been

getting into scrapes with the other boys.

That's the best euphemism

for getting the living crap

kicked out of you that I've ever heard.

And why do you suppose

that you're being picked on?

I don't know. I'm abnormal, I guess.

You don't feel normal?

My family has a psychiatrist on call.

How normal can that be?

How are your classes?

They're all right.

I mean, I have trouble

concentrating sometimes.

And what is it that you think about?

I kind of have this one fantasy.

Sexual?

No, not really.

It's just this fantasy of me

stepping out on stage,

and there are all these kids

out in the audience

chanting my name,

like I'm a rock star, you know.

And so, I step up to the mike and I say,

"How you all doing tonight?"

And then they start cheering and cheering.

"It's great to see all of you.

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