Cemetery Junction

1

Shut that down a second,

will you, Dave?

Bob, come round here for a bit.

Jim, put it over here with me.

-Fredrick Taylor. Freddie Taylor.

-Yes, sir.

Welcome

to Vigilant Life Assurance.

I see that you grew up

in Cemetery Junction.

Went to Stonemead, the worst school

in the south of England.

Mr. Kendrick will see you.

They expect you to leave at 14

with no qualifications...

...and go directly

to the scrapheap of life.

-Does this sound about right?

-I suppose so, sir.

Well, I know so because I grew up

in Cemetery Junction...

...and I went to that school.

I knew that.

It's one of the reasons

I wanted to work for you.

Mike Ramsay is gonna be supervising.

You got anything to add, Mike?

When selling life assurance, you want

the stench of death in their nostrils.

Talking to the husband,

you want the missus thinking:

"Crumbs, chief. What's my life

gonna be like when he pegs it?"

Men work, women worry.

That's what you rely on.

Don't look at Mr. Kendrick.

He didn't hear that, and I didn't say it.

Do you understand?

-Yes, sir.

-Lovely.

Over to you, sir.

You're a bit of an inspiration to me.

I know that you got out

of the old neighborhood.

I know that you've got a Rolls-Royce

parked in your own parking space.

And I know that you own a mansion

worth 40,000 pounds.

Forty-two thousand pounds.

That's what I want, sir.

I don't want to end up like my dad.

Coming home aching, with grease on

my hands and nothing to show for it.

Good.

Hello. Hi. I'm Freddie Taylor.

Hello. Hello, I'm Freddie Taylor.

Mr. F. Taylor from

the Vigilant Life Assurance Company.

Good day to you.

Can I come in? Thanks.

What? This? Yeah.

Yeah, it's real leather, yeah.

I've just got some

very important documents in here.

Can I sit down? Thanks.

Oh, I love your curtains. They're so--

-Hold him, hold him.

-Oh, my God.

I'm not even breathing. I'm not--

That is disgusting.

Not allowed to fart on him

now he doesn't work in a factory.

-What are you listening to?

-Vaughan Williams.

Had that suit on five minutes,

already a poof.

For listening to classical music?

-That is the test for queerness.

-That is the test.

I'm trying to better myself.

I'm trying to educate myself.

Get that off. That's real leather.

Oh, hello.

Freddie, stop listening to music

made by poofs.

Stick on some Elton John.

Sergeant.

-Evening. How are you?

-All right.

-How's your dad?

-He's all right.

Caught him at home watching Noddy.

It's another big night.

Why's Noddy got a hat

with a bell on it?

-Go on.

-Because he's a c*nt.

It's five past 7.

Here, mate. Watch out, watch out.

-You seen Snork's tattoo?

-No.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

Show him.

Now, must point out

you designed it yourself.

Yeah. Drew it myself.

Had it done down on Elgar Road.

-Cost him two weeks' wages.

-Bloody hell.

-All right, all right, you queers.

-Ready?

What the f*** is that?

Well, it's a beautiful lady vampire

looking out of a window.

I'm Bruce, that's Freddie,

that's Snork.

-It's Paul.

-Why Snork?

Those glasses, thought they made him

look like Elton John.

I thought he looked like Snork

out of Banana Splits.

Remember the fat one

with the glasses and the trunk?

Trunk, sure. Call me Snork

because I got a nose for muff.

Every time. Every time.

Hey, how you doing?

-You look great.

-Oh, hey.

Hi.

-Wait, I'll turn around.

-Oh, Jesus, there's a back to it as well.

-Who's that out on the street?

-It's me.

-What, you're naked too?

-I'm gonna go and give her one.

-Why such a big knob?

-Well, I've got a hard-on.

-Why have you already got a hard-on?

-Ain't you seen her b*obs?

Just a minute. You're naked, but--

Are you wearing socks?

I'm in the street.

Don't want my feet getting cold.

That's a good point, actually.

I'm getting off with a vampire.

What have you two ever done?

-Real women.

-Real women.

Vampire, though.

-What's your name?

-Who are you?

-Well, I'm Paul.

-We call him Snork.

-Because I got a nose for muff.

-What you talking to my wife for?

I didn't realize.

-She is.

-He didn't realize.

-Why are you getting involved?

-I'm not.

-What are you doing?

-Look what you've done.

-Pushed over a little retard.

-Yeah. But he's my little retard.

Stop! Stop!

Go left, go left, go left.

Wait. Hold up.

Come on.

-Come on, Snork, over.

-Don't hurt your ankle, Snork.

Come on.

Oh, sh*t.

Wakey-wakey. Rise and shine.

Stand by your beds.

Out you come, you lucky, lucky boys.

-Come on, off you go.

-They're not going anywhere.

Been involved in disorderly conduct

and a major disturbance of the peace.

Let them out, you little ponce,

or I'll disturb your bloody peace.

-What does that mean?

-No idea. Okay, off you go.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Start by brushing your teeth.

You been sucking the toilet mat?

-Leave it out. Come on. Off you go.

-Okay.

Snorky.

-Freddie. Send your mom my love.

-Yeah, all right.

-Your dad still around?

-Yeah.

Shame.

That's a shame, that.

Looking forward to my dinner.

Give us a knock later on.

-Morning, Brucie.

-All right, Bill.

These people are queuing for food.

They are Ethiopian peasants

who used to own houses...

...land and cattle.

Elton John's looking for a wife.

Now they possess nothing

but the clothes...

...that hang

from their frail shoulders.

He's a lying sod. He's been eating.

He's got a potbelly and everything.

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