Cashback Page #3

the excitement of doing something that you shouldn't be doing,

along with the consequences

if you're caught doing it,

are so strong that it often pulls others away from their own art.

on your marks,

get set, go!

we got winded!

i hadn't slept in two weeks.

my breakup with suzy had left me with a sense that time had become unhinged.

i drifted between

imagination and reality,

between past and present

with increasing ease.

i feel like a real man.

you like men.

you like real men,

don't you?

when i'm out there

in the kit,

on the pitch

with the boys,

i look like a god,

i'm an adonis.

i keep myself

in good shape.

i see the looks.

i ignore them.

i feel the bolts of time slowly

coming away from the breakup.

time manipulation

is not a precise science.

like any art,

it's personal to the individual.

so what is the art in making

my shift go so fast?

i imagine the opposite.

that time is frozen.

i imagine the remote control

for life has been paused.

within this frozen world, i'm able to walk freely and unnoticed.

nobody would even know

that time had stopped.

and when it started

back up again,

the invisible join would be seamless except for a slight shudder.

not unlike the feeling of somebody walking over your grave.

that moment when you see someone

walking down the street

who is so beautiful

you just can't help but stare...

well, imagine as i do,

that with the world on pause

it becomes very easy to understand the concept of beauty.

to have it frozen

in front of you.

captured.

unaware.

for me, this fascination with beauty started at a very young age.

i was six or seven, and my mom and dad had taken on a foreign student.

she was in her late teens,

and was studying english

at a nearby school.

being swedish, the walk from the shower to her room didn't need to be a modest one.

it was at that moment that something very profound happened to me.

i was exposed to the female form in a way i had never experienced.

i felt fascination and wonder

at the beauty of her nakedness.

and i wanted to freeze the world so that i could live in that moment for a week.

i have never had a feeling

of such completeness.

to this day i still think it was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen.

you dropped these.

and would it be wrong?

would they hate me

for seeing them?

i mean, really seeing them?

i read once about a woman whose secret fantasy was to have an affair with an artist.

she thought that he

would really see her.

he would see every curve,

every line,

every indentation,

and love them because they were part of the beauty that made her unique.

and when i'm ready, all i have to do to start time again

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