Carry on Dick Page #2

- On the road to York.

- Just outside Dencher, Captain.

Would that be Upper or Lower Dencher?

- About halfway between the two.

- In that case, we've nothing to worry about.

You may have nothing to worry about, Captain,

but you have not been travelling all night

with your bare buttocks on cold leather.

No, sir, I've had one of my best men patrolling

that stretch of road, Sergeant Strapp.

If Turpin was around, he'll have had him,

you can be sure.

I hope for your sake that you're right,

Captain Fancey.

You can depend on it, sir.

Nothing gets past old Jock Strapp.

(Horse neighs)

Ah, here he is now.

Well, Strapp, what happened?

Well, sir, I thought I'd better report to you

personally, sir.

- Good.

- See, we ran into Turpin's gang last night.

- And you apprehended him?

- Well, yes, sir...

What did I tell you? Good old Jock!

There's one slight problem, sir. He got away.

I knew he wouldn't let me dow...

- He got away? How?

- It's a long story, sir.

I don't want to hear any long stories,

you incompetent dunderhead!

I'm sorry. There's been a slight mishap, my lord.

I know. I heard.

Don't worry, I intend to take personal charge

from now on.

I promise you I'll have Dick Turpin

hanging from a gibbet within a month,

or my name is not Desmond Fancey.

There's only one comment

I have to make on that, Captain.

- (Horse farts)

- And that's it.

Pardon.

Quite right, Captain. There's something wrong

with the hang of the breeches at the front.

- Just stand still a moment.

- I'm far too busy to worry about that now.

- Go on, Strapp.

- As I was saying, sir,

all these hold-ups seem to have happened

within a 20-mile radius of this area here.

Yes, yes. Well?

We can deduce from that that Turpin's

headquarters are somewhere around there.

What?! Oh, any imbecile could see that, man!

Well I just wanted to make sure that you did.

Of course I did. Are you implying that

any imbecile has got more sense than I have?

No, sir.

I should hope not. Any fool can make fatuous

generalisations like that.

What I want to know is,

where is his headquarters? Where?

I was just coming to that.

There's a notorious inn

just as you go into Lower Dencher here.

It's the Old Cock, on the right.

That's where we've been going wrong!

- What?

- I've made provision on the left.

Will you shut up about the wretched breeches!

Go on, Strapp. Go on.

Well, sir, the Old Cock's been well known as

a meeting place for criminals for many years.

And I think that is where

we should start looking for Turpin.

- Whoa!

DICK:
Stand and deliver!

Deliver, I say! Deliver!

(Baby cries)

Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.

(Cackles)

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