Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #3

What is it that's so urgent?

Your Excellency, I regret to report

there's been an incident at the Pass.

There's always incidents at passes. You've

only got to make a pass and you're in trouble.

I'm afraid this was no ordinary incident, sir.

If you'd just listen to Private Widdle's story.

- All right, all right. Make it quick.

- All right. Sergeant Major.

Private Widdle, four paces forward... march!

Left right, left right. Halt!

Le-e-eft turn!

Headgear in hand! Brace!

Story... from the beginning... begin!

Gawd blimey! You don't have to make

a full-scale tattoo out of it.

Get on with it, Widdling.

Erm... Widdle, sir.

All right, Widdle, but get on with it.

Well, sir, I was on guard duty up the Pass

when this huge Burpa suddenly appeared

in front of me and pulled it out.

- Pulled what out?

- His um... sword thing.

Oh...

Go on, then.

Well, sir, the next thing I remember is coming to,

lying on the ground... and they were off.

They were?

Blimey, that's rough.

- He means his underpants were off, sir.

- Quite.

But you fellas don't wear 'em.

No, sir, but Private Widdle did.

If the natives ever get to hear of this, sir,

it will destroy our reputation for toughness.

He's right, sir. A little thing like this

could start off a rebellion.

- Oh, hardly.

- The massacre of thousands of people.

- Oh, please!

- The end of British rule in India.

- Oh, rubbish!

- And the finish of a cushy job for you.

We'll have to do something.

Sir, our only hope now is to try and scotch

the rumour before it spreads too far.

You're right.

Absolutely right.

I will go and see the Khasi personally.

This calls for a spot of top-level diplomatic bluff.

The sort of thing that made our empire what it is.

We are not called John Bull for nothing.

Well, thank goodness.

Now we can finish our tiffin.

- Later. I've got something important to do.

- What?

- I've got to go to the Khasi.

- You should have gone before.

- The Khasi of Kalabar.

- Ooh.

- Ooh! Can I come, too?

- Haven't we got enough trouble

without you coming along, opening

your big mouth and shoving your flat foot in it?

Oh, that's very nice. It never occurs to you

that I might be able to help.

- Help? How?

- The Khasi is susceptible to beautiful women.

Yes, well, so am I. Look what I finished up with.

Ha ha-ha!

Oh, very funny!

You may not realise it, Sidney Ruff-Diamond,

but there are hidden fires in me.

There might have been once

but now you're just bung-full of clinker.

If I am, it's because you never bother...

Oh, shut up.

Tell Shorthouse to call me an elephant.

He needn't bother, I will. You're an elephant!

(Elephant trumpets)

Highness, the Governor is on his way.

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