Broken Hearts Club Page #2

- Thank God.|- You're late.

Sorry, but, you know,|it is my birthday.

Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar.|Go to work.

Saw your prey on the curb.|Nice work.

Last time I use an audition monologue|to break up with somebody.

You coming to the party,Jack?

I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe|in prosciutto to keep 'em warm.

You didn't. Jack!

I couldn't let you have a birthday|without giving you...

at least a little bit|of my superior taste and talent.

And in addition to which,|look what I got today.

The Broken Hearts jerseys.

I will be signing up|interested parties all night.

Please, I'm begging you,|no softball team this year.

No softball team this year.|No softball team this year.

Are you crazy? You know what kind|of P.R. this is for the restaurant?

It can't be that good. We lost|every single game we played last year.

Two of those teams|only had four people.

Nobody's forcing you two to play,|but remember who pays your bills.

Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar,|your people have come to take you home.

Good evening, Patrick.|It's your brother!

I'll be right there.

What is it with lesbians|and candles?

I just got home from the office,|and I'm not in the mood for your sh*t.

So...

what's the gift?

It's a housewarming present|for Anne.

Two months late.

Looks like a coffeemaker.

Well, you can shut your mouth|because it's a surprise.

Oh, we already have a coffeemaker.

I've seen your old one.|This one is way better.

We got rid of that one.|She didn't tell you?

We have a new Webb 3000.

- You already have a Webb 3000?|- Don't worry, sweetie.

It won't be the first time|she's returned one of your gifts.

So Anne tells me you're jealous|of her vibrator.

How do I look?

- Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel?|- That's clever.

- You sure you don't want to come?|- No, thank you.

- He said it's gonna be mixed.|- The last time he said that...

there were 60 men, 3 women|and a parrot...

and the parrot was getting|more attention than the women.

That parrot knew the words|to "Material Girl."

Shall we?

Do you have to do that in here?|We are two blocks from the house!

Parties make me nervous.

- I'm relaxing.|- Can you relax legally?

- What if we get pulled over?|- What are the police gonna do?

For starters,|the whole arresting thing.

If we don't go home together tonight,|you'll understand.

- Let's not do this thing.|- What whole thing?

This eleventh-hour breakup routine.|It's really demoralizing me.

I'm not breaking up anything here...

because what there was to break up here|was broken up two months ago.

Yet we're still sleeping together.

We sleep together because|we got a f***ed-up friendship...

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