Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour Page #2

---

RICHIE:

Well it ruddy well worked!

EDDIE:

Yeah, I can smell that from here. It's not even a tortoise. Look, it's my great uncle’s First World War helmet that next door's poodle has shat in.

RICHIE:

You complete bastard!

EDDIE:

That's right, Richie. It's just another day in paradise.

RICHIE:

Oh god, I only put these underpants on in February. Well, it was sometime in the beginning of the year, anyway. I know it was cold, I was almost down to an eighth. (realizing) Hey, what the ruddy heck were you doing in the fridge?

EDDIE:

Cooling down. While you were out I had Claudia Schiffer round, with a few of her supermodel chums, you know? For a bit of a non-stop vigorous steamy sex session.

(Richie gets noticeably turned on by this)

EDDIE:

So vigorous was it, in fact, that I'm afraid, I accidentally snapped Naomi Campbell. She's in the umbrella stand awaiting a little erudite.

RICHIE:

You mean you were in the fridge looking for the lager?

EDDIE:

I mean, I found the bloody lager, matey, and couldn't be f***ed to move.

RICHIE:

Well, that's just effing marvellous, isn't it? Half past ten in the morning, i've shat my pants, you're completely drunk, and the Queen's coming in... LORDY! LORDY! Where's my f***ing watch!?

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, and stand up when you say that.

(Eddie stands.)

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, and kneel down when you say that.

(Eddie kneels)

EDDIE:

It's no wonder she's so f***ing unpopular.

(The audience laughs and cheers, Richie looks at them warningly.)

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, Eddie, yes, you know very well, the Queen of Great England is coming here today to have tea in our flat.

EDDIE:

Is she?

RICHIE:

Yes, I told you last night.

EDDIE:

Did you?

RICHIE:

Yes, and the night before.

EDDIE:

Huh!?

RICHIE:

In fact, I told you twice a day, for the last 9 months.

EDDIE:

I must have been drunk.

RICHIE:

What, for the whole season, since February?

EDDIE:

Yeah, I was celebrating the changing of the underpants.

RICHIE:

Oh god. God! GOD!! Don't you ever get tired of the endless drinking, and pointlessness of your existence?

EDDIE:

No. Don't you get tired of spouting such utter, utter bollocks?

RICHIE:

Not me, Eddie, i'm a stayer. Ooh, that reminds me, we've got an awful lot more bollocks to cover.

EDDIE:

Ooh.

RICHIE:

So lets sit down and have a nice cup of tea.

EDDIE:

Now that's not possible in this house.

RICHIE:

You're right. So let's sit down and have a shitty cup of tea.

(Eddie moves over to the kitchen)

EDDIE:

Ah, there's nothing quite like a shitty cup of tea. EXCEPT... A shitty biscuit.

RICHIE:

Now we’re talking. You get the kettle on, Eddie, I'll get my fig rolls out.

(Eddie looks confused.)

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes