Bodysnatch

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1

[ominous music playing]

[object vibrating]

[distorted voice]

[vibrating vocalization]

[distorted voice]

[Ill Dr. Phil] Listen my

children and you shall hear,

a warning you must heed

before the fear.

One if by land,

two if by sea,

soon overtaken

we all will be.

[female dispatcher] We need

an officer en route to a 390

at the corner of

Broadripple and Carrollton.

[Ill Dr. Phil]

I have seen them,

I have faced them,

I have survived them.

[officer] Copy that.

Do we have a description?

[Ill Dr. Phil] A hyper-evolved

being with one mind, one pulse.

[dispatcher] Female,

brunette, mid to late 30s.

[Ill Dr. Phil] They manifest

themselves as you and me.

[dispatcher] Reported last trying

her keys in multiple vehicles.

[Ill Dr. Phil] If we're lucky,

they need only our resources.

If we're not...

[officer]

All right, copy.

...they plan on complete extermination.

[siren]

[officer] En route to

Broadripple and Carrollton.

[Ill Dr. Phil]

We can't know for certain,

but one thing I know,

trust no one.

We are not alone.

They are here,

but you can't see them.

They lie dormant amongst the

most familiar of us for now.

Trust no one!

The threat is real.

They're coming,

they're coming,

they're coming.

[loud vibration]

All right, step forward.

All right,

state your name.

Steven Carlton Marra, 23.

All right. Profile.

All right, there ya go.

Next. Come on.

State your name.

Jeremy Alan Phillips. 24.

All right. Profile.

All right, good.

All right, stay right there.

Come here, you.

All right. Now we need to get this on

camera for legal purposes, all right?

So repeat after me.

I, state your name.

- I, Steven Carlton Marra.

- I, Jeremy Alan Phillips.

Will obey

every order given to me.

[both] Will obey every

order given to me.

Because there ain't

no mountain high enough.

Because there ain't

no mountain high enough.

Ain't no valley

low enough.

Come on, fellas, say it!

There ain't

no valley low enough.

To keep me from gettin'

To you, babe

[laughing]

I'm sorry.

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry,

this never gets old.

I'm just kidding.

We're family right, cuz?

Kind of.

You guys ever been

on a ride along before?

Look, I don't know

if you know this,

but Indy, it's one of the most

dangerous places in the nation.

- No it's not.

- Hey, a lot of sh*t goes down here.

It makes you proud

to wear this badge.

Oh, we have fun, too.

Serve and protect,

but chill and respect.

Capiche?

Good, I'm gonna go

to the bathroom,

squeeze some piss out

of this legend,

and then we'll get

this party started!

[laughs] Come on,

bring it in, bring it in.

Boom! That's what

I'm talkin' about.

Oh, BRB! [laughs]

Ain't no mount...

[laughing]

- [Steve exhales]

- [Marcus] Whew!

How is he

your cousin again?

Nah, forget that.

He's just the cousin

of the guy my mom's seeing.

Guy's a douche,

but what the hell.

A**hole's letting us

do this, right?

Well, what time do you think we're

going to get out of here tonight?

'Cause it's Friday,

and I was...

Friday's the best day

for this, man.

That's when

this sh*t goes down.

I'm telling you,

it's gonna be epic.

And, besides, we haven't,

like, chilled, in forevs, dude.

It's gonna be dope.

It's gonna be like

our own episode of Cops.

What's better than that, man?

You want me

to make you a list?

Hey, check this out.

What?! Are you going

hipster on everyone now?

Are you Buddy Holly?

Nah, I got something

that nutsack don't have.

A camera.

There's a mini-ass camera

in these.

Remember Rob Portman?

He's the one

that told me about 'em.

Likes to use 'em

when he's...

Whoa.

Yeah, guy's a creep,

but maybe a genius.

He's not gonna

let you wear those.

Why not?

With the whole excessive police

force blowing up in the news,

all the cities

got paranoid

and installed those cameras

in the cruisers.

- What's one more?

- Why do we need to film this?

To expose

the seedy underbelly

of the corrupt

criminal justice system,

which is supporting

the ulterior motives

of the municipal government,

which caters to

the oligarchs in Washington,

which are just foot soldiers

to the Illuminati,

which have been sent here

by the demonic forces...

I swear if you mention

Illuminati, conspiracies,

or any of your paranoid bullshit

one more time, I'm outta here.

I've listened to it since high

school, and I'm done with it.

You need to grow up.

You know, if you would have applied

yourself to your academics

the way that

you do to these theories,

you could have

actually gone somewhere.

- Like Fordham?

- Yes, like Fordham.

You know, it's actually one

of the top institutions

in the country

academically speaking.

You sure the Illuminati didn't recruit

you while you were at Fordham?

They like to troll those gothic

institutions, like, whoa.

- You have to be the biggest...

- [Marcus] Boom!

- Let's do this!

- Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Ahh, nice glasses, Elton!

[laughing]

Look at this guy!

- Your glasses.

- Whatever.

- Did you get it?

- Whatever.

- Ahh.

- [engine starts]

Hey, buckle up!

It's the law!

I'm just kidding.

Well, maybe

you two Nancies should.

What are you guys, like,

butt buddies or something?

I'm just kidding.

If you guys are gay

for each other,

that's totally fine

with me, man.

And it's, like, legal now.

Like, for real.

Like, rainbows!

- [dispatcher] Car 86.

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